


to be alone with you

by Perfectsonnet



Category: SKAM (Norway), SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Sex but not explicit, Blow Jobs, Heavy Drinking, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Masturbation, Recreational Drug Use, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-03-24 02:16:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 23,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13801254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Perfectsonnet/pseuds/Perfectsonnet
Summary: Jonas pats Isak’s shoulder again. “It’s okay, Issy. There are worse things than having a stepbrother that’s cooler than you.”Isak scoffs in protest. “Even is not cooler than me. You just like him because he’s a tree-hugger like you. And stop calling him my stepbrother… they’re not even married yet.”Or, the stepsibling AU nobody asked for.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well I’ve always been obsessed with the stepsibling to lovers idea… Did anyone else ship Casey and Derek as a kid hahaha? So I was waiting for someone to write it but then I ended up trying to and alas, here’s my take. Hope you enjoy!

Isak lets out a scoff when he reads the text Jonas has just sent him.

**Don’t forget to fix the beer for tn!! Swallow ur pride and ask Even pls**

It’s much too early to swallow anything but coffee.

Well, Isak reminds himself, not as early as it _could_ be. After all, Isak has been graced by a gift from the gods. This semester he has off first period and it’s the most glorious feeling in the world. Waking up an hour later has completely changed the way Isak sees the world. Everything is beautiful after 9:00 and he never even knew because before this semester he was always in class by 8:00. The sun shines brighter. The birds chirp gentler. Everyone on the street is smiling because they too don’t have 8:00 obligations.

Another huge perk, Isak thinks as he walks down the hall towards the empty bathroom, is that the house is always vacant and the possibilities for Isak’s morning are endless. Isak could jerk off with his door open or eat cold pizza for breakfast or dance around fucking naked if he wanted to and no one would say a thing. No one would know. Everyone is gone because everyone else still has to wake and show up to their respective responsibilities at 8:00.

Well, usually.

“Do you fucking mind?” Isak snaps around a mouthful of toothpaste. Even continues hurrying around him, pushing Isak to the side as he grabs objects off the counter and lets others fall into the sink as he completes his morning routine in turbo speed.

“I promised Mikeal I’d help him edit our video before class and I’m late as fuck,” Even explains as he quickly rubs some kind of disgusting looking green goo into his hair.

Isak spits out a mouthful of foam into the sink, aiming for the comb Even dropped in there. Even groans. “Dick,” he mutters and Isak smirks.

Isak turns on the faucet and lets the water wet the rest of Even’s things before closing his eyes to wash his face. When Isak opens his eyes again Even is looking at him through the mirror with an unamused expression.

Isak figures there’s no time like the present. “Can you buy me beer, please?” He asks as sweetly as he can muster.

Even shoots him an appalled look. “You just _spit_ on my comb.”

Isak scoffs. “So is that no?”

Even leaves the bathroom without another word and Isak flips him off behind his back.

“What type?” Even asks and Isak sticks his head out of the bathroom to see Even still walking down the hall with his back turned to him, heading towards the stairs. Isak beams.

“Tuborg!” Isak calls to his retreating back and Even doesn’t respond. A minute later he hears the front door close.

*

“I’m so sick of hearing about this, Magnus.”

“ _I’m_ so sick of being a virgin, so—“

Isak groans loudly. He loves Magnus, he really does. Magnus is actually the person he was least scared to come out to because he knew Magnus would treat it the least seriously and that’s kind of the reaction he was looking for. A “dude, you eat dick?” kind of vibe versus Jonas’s “I’ll love you no matter who you love Isak” vibe. Of course he’d received and was thankful for both but yeah, sometimes Magnus was great. Other times…

“—just help me get laid at this party tonight, dude.” Isak is about to reply with something along the lines of “I’m not a miracle worker, Magnus!” when Jonas drops down in the seat next to him, plate of waffle fries in hand.

“What’s up?” Jonas asks and half-heartedly swats at Isak’s hand as he steals a fry from the stack.

“Take a wild guess,” Isak counters, biting into the shockingly delicious cafeteria fry. Jonas hmphs.

“Isak looks somewhat irritated. Magnus looks horny and enthusiastic. It’s a Friday. We’re going to a party tonight… Is Magnus talking about getting laid again?”

Isak smacks the table dramatically. “Nailed it!”

Magnus gapes at the pair before squinting at Jonas. “How do you know what I look like horny?”

Jonas laughs. “Because every time you’re horny you tell us, man.”

“Touché.”

“And it’s gross,” Mahdi concludes, joining their table with his food.

“I’ll stop telling you when I’m horny when you help me get laid.”

“There’s only so much we can do before it’s up to you, bro. I can get the dancer chick to talk to you but I can’t get her to fuck you. That’s your job,” Mahdi states with a shrug.

“But it’s hard,” Magnus whines, “Like me these days because—“

“Speaking of parties,” Jonas interrupts before Magnus can continue talking about his sex life, or lack thereof, and turns to look at Isak. “Did you fix the beer for tonight?”

“All good.”

“Seriously?”

Isak raises his eyebrow. “Uh, yeah?”

“You asked Even?” Jonas looks uncertain as to whether he should believe him or not.

Isak laughs. “Yes… why so skeptic?”

“Maybe because last time you straight up _refused_ to ask Even and _I_ had to get enough for all four of us,” Mahdi chimes in.

Isak sputters. “Those were extenuating circumstances! He ate the frozen pizza I _specifically_ bought for _myself_ and then denied it _to my face_. Who _does_ that?” Jonas laughs as if that isn’t the cruelest thing he’s ever heard.

Isak remembers the crime like it was yesterday. He was having a really shitty day. He doesn’t remember why now but it probably had something to do with his mom because it usually did. He kept telling himself that if he got through the day, he could gorge himself on pizza when he got home from school. Then he actually did manage to get through it, got home, and his pizza was _gone_? There would be hell to pay and Isak knew exactly who needed to pay up. Except then Even _denied_ it and told Isak that he “needs to _chill,”_ like telling an angry person to chill isn’t the worst thing you could possibly do. Isak was madder that Even wouldn’t just admit that he’d eaten his pizza. Who else would’ve eaten it? Lea? She didn’t know how to use the oven yet. His dad? His dad had been in Bergen that week for a conference. Even’s mom? She was a fucking vegan! Isak was furious, and Even had laughed through Isak’s angry threats (“I’ll shave your precious head while you sleep, Even. I’ll do it!”) and then shut the door in his face.

Isak is broken out of his thoughts by Jonas, who’s laughing and patting his shoulder gently.

“Chill, dude. You look like you’re contemplating murder.”

Isak takes a deep breath and tries to forget about the pizza incident of three weeks prior.

“Even’s cool,” Magnus pipes in and Isak rolls his eyes.

“You don’t even know him,” Isak groans.

“What the fuck,” Magnus squeaks, seemingly offended, “Yes I do.”

“You’ve _met_ Even. You don’t have to live with him.”

“Nah dude,” Mahdi says with a mouthful of bread, “Mags is right. Even is cool as fuck. My art teacher showed us his short film last week in class.”

“What? Why?”

Mahdi shrugs. “I don’t know, because he’s from Oslo, I guess, and we were talking about film that day. It’s really good, really popular too. It has like, almost three hundred thousand views on YouTube.”

“That’s not _that_ many,” Isak says instead of _yeah, I know, I’ve already watched it like eight times._

Mahdi swallows audibly and then looks at Isak like he’s stupid. “For a _short film_ in _Norwegian_? That’s insane.”

Jonas pats Isak’s shoulder again. “It’s okay, Issy. There are worse things than having a stepbrother that’s cooler than you.”

Isak scoffs in protest. “Even is not cooler than me. _You_ just like him because he’s a tree-hugger like you. And stop calling him my stepbrother… they’re not even married yet.”

“Even is way cooler than you, bro.” Magnus counters.

“May 23rd, dude,” Jonas reminds him but Isak does not need reminding. How could he forget? It’s all Even’s mom talks about. The venue, the dress, the guestlist, the food, the music, the decorations, the fucking honeymoon. Isak could plan a wedding himself after living through this one. If he hears the words “color” and “scheme” in the same sentence one more time he’s bound to lose his shit.

It’s not that Isak doesn’t like Even’s mom. Marianne is actually really nice and always takes his side when he and Even bicker, to Even’s incredulity. She cooks bomb ass food, even though it’s usually vegan, and does Isak’s laundry. 

He just doesn’t really see what Marianne sees in Isak’s father. Isak’s dad is an asshole, plain and simple. Isak doesn’t remember a time when Fredrik wasn’t an asshole. Which makes Isak think there’s something he’s missing about Marianne, or maybe something he’s missing about his father. It’s disconcerting. Isak just doesn’t see how they’re together, let alone getting married.

It’s all a mess in Isak’s head and it hasn’t gotten much clearer in the months they’ve all lived together in the house Marianne and Fredrik picked out for the five of them.

All Isak knows for sure is that the last three months of his life have been a whirlwind of family outings and dinners, at the insistence of Marianne, among other things Isak has never experienced before, like having another teenage boy living in the house, for instance.

As if on cue, Isak’s phone buzzes with a text from the devil himself and then buzzes three more times before Isak can even unlock his screen.

**Got ur beer**

**My mom wanted me to remind u that we’re having dinner tonight at 6 at piazza navona**

**“Dress nice”**

**A tie maybe!!**

Isak replies:

**fuck off**

And then,

**thank you**

*

“Your father is running a little late but he says we can order without him,” Marianne tells Isak and Isak has to literally bite his lip from saying something about his father that will no doubt make the rest of the table feel uncomfortable.

His father is always late because he’s always working because his job is the most important thing in his life. It’s always been like that, ever since Isak can remember, and getting engaged to some nice new lady wasn’t going to change that, just like Isak’s mother getting sick didn’t change it. Just like Isak desperately needing a father who was around when his mother was sick didn’t change that.

So Isak nods at Marianne and keeps his mouth shut.

“What’s everyone thinking about?” Marianne asks, still eyeing Isak. Isak shoots her a small smile to placate her. She knows that Fredrik and Isak aren’t on good terms, maybe never will be.

“Spaghetti,” he replies, closing his menu.  

“Same,” Even says from his seat across from Isak, and then, “What time’s your party?”

“What party?” Marianne cuts in and Isak kicks Even under the table. Even smirks in reply. Asshole.

“It’s not a party, I’m just going to my friend Mahdi’s later,” Isak lies. He technically is going to Mahdi’s but just for the pregame. What Marianne doesn’t know won’t hurt her. One thing that’s both nice and annoying about having Marianne around is that she treats Isak like a son, worries where he goes at night and when he’ll return. Isak’s never really had that so he tries not to be annoyed when Marianne texts him at midnight on a Saturday and asks if he’ll be home soon. It is kind of annoying though.

“Oh, that’s nice. Are you going as well, Even?”

Even snorts. “No, mom.”

“Even’s too _cool_ for second year parties,” Isak quips.

“I thought it wasn’t a party?”

Isak groans, “You know what I mean.”

“And I am too cool. Thank you.”

“I’m sure film school parties are _tons of fun_ ,” Isak exaggerates, rolling his eyes. “What do you do, jerk o—“ Isak clears his throat. He was absolutely about to say something about jerking off to Scorsese when he realizes his present company includes his soon to be stepmom and little sister, “—cry over Scorsese movies and drink tea.”

“Oh, as opposed to _really cool_ second year parties where everyone gets trashed and then throws—“

“Boys, honestly,” Marianne interrupts but she has a smile on her face. The pair turn to look at her. “You two bicker just like brothers.”

Isak feels nauseated by the statement. Even isn’t his brother. Even isn’t his brother. Even will never be his brother. Isak will never see Even has his brother. Even is not—

“He’s not my brother,” Even voices, looking at Isak strangely.

“Even,” Marianne scolds, as if Even has insulted Isak. Truly, honestly, Isak is relieved just hearing it.

Even doesn’t think of Isak as a brother and Isak doesn’t think of Even as a brother. Isak doesn’t need to read into it, to indulge in it, to bathe in the sweet, sweet relief he can’t help but feel, but still, knowing it to be true on Even’s part, by Even’s words, makes Isak feel whole.

When neither of them speak again, Even now texting under the table, Marianne turns to Lea, who is drawing in the _Frozen_ coloring book that she brings everywhere.

“Lea, honey, how was school?”

Lea looks up at Marianne. “Good,” she replies shortly and then goes back to coloring Olaf purple.

Marianne sighs in defeat, “Good.”

*

“What are we gonna do tonight?” Magnus screams.

“Get Magnus laid,” Mahdi, Isak, and Jonas all scream in unison, echoing down the sidewalk. They are, all indeed, properly trashed.

Magnus whoops and fist bumps in excitement at their reply.

Frankly, Isak doesn’t give a fuck if Magnus gets laid tonight. Magnus is his bro, and yeah, the dude would probably shut up for awhile if he finally got some, but Isak knows he’s too drunk to actually help the kid. They all are. Including Magnus, who Isak knows won’t be able to help himself tonight either.

“Whose party is this, dude?” Mahdi asks.

Jonas shrugs and hiccups. “I don’t know. Eva sent me the address, said she got it from _Sana_.”

Isak screeches in astonishment. “ _Sanasol_? What? She’s got the party deets and didn’t tell me?” Isak is offended beyond belief. Sana is his pal, his bud, his science companion; she should give him party deets.

Jonas puts his arm around Isak in condolence.

The party is at a giant house, filled with people he’s never seen before. They all look a little older than second years and Isak wonders whose party this is. He recognizes Eva and Vilde, who greet them at the door. Eva jumps into Jonas’s arms and then jumps into Isak’s. If Isak had one more drink in him he knows he would have dropped her.

“My boys!” Eva greets excitedly over the bass of the blaring music. 

“What about me?” Magnus asks and Eva laughs, pinching Magnus’s cheek.

“You’re not my boy,” Eva giggles. Magnus looks much more offended than he should so Isak hands him an unopened beer he finds on the table in consolation.

Magnus cracks it open and then looks at Isak very seriously. “It’s go time,” he says and then disappears into the crowd. Isak shouts his encouragement to Magnus’s fleeting back.

He spends the next hour or maybe _hours_ , he can never keep track of time when he’s drunk, floating around the party, drunkenly talking to strangers and friends with the same social enthusiasm he only finds in himself after more than a couple of drinks. At one point he runs into Even’s friend Elias and they have a long and drunken discussion about how smart Sana is.

_“She’s a fucking genius, dude.”_

_“Dude, I fucking know.”_

Eventually Isak gets up to find another drink. He figures the kitchen is his best shot and stumbles into a room he thinks he saw a fridge in earlier. He immediately regrets his decision when he finds not the kitchen, but instead Even and Sonja cuddling in another, less crowded room, along with other nauseating couples on couches.

When Even sees him he raises his eyebrows and whispers something in Sonja’s ear. She rolls her eyes and shifts off of Even’s lap. Even gets up, presumably to walk over to Isak, so Isak swiftly turns on his heel and walks out of the room. No thank you. 

When Even steps in front of Isak to stop him from walking any further, Isak almost runs into his chest. Then he looks up.

“What the—“ Isak hiccups, “—fuck are you doing here?”

Even looks caught in between laughing and scowling.

“What are you doing here?” He counters.

“I thought you were _too cool_ for second year parties,” Isak mocks and this time Even does laugh.

“First of all, _you_ said that. I just agreed. And second of all, this,” he gestures towards their surroundings, “is not a second year party. This is Mikael’s house.”

Isak’s jaw drops dramatically. It feels funny so he does it again. Then he does it a third time. Is this exercising his jaw? Isak remembers seeing a video of someone exercising their jaw once. The person tilted their head back and then mouthed a bunch of words. Isak does the same thing now. It feels nice to exercise his jaw. Or is it a neck exercise he’s remembering?

He hears Even laugh and immediately stops mouthing nonsense but keeps his head thrown back, closes his eyes, and indulges in the sound. Even’s laugh is so pretty.

“Isak?”

It sounds kind of like birds singing or no, maybe bells chiming. But not annoying ass church bells that clang out the hour of the day, no. Beautiful soft bells that hang from porches and—

Even grabs Isak’s shoulder and breaks him out of his meditation.

“Isak?” He repeats and Isak smiles blurrily at him. 

“Wassup?”

Even laughs again and Isak almost tilts his head back a second time to indulge in the sound once more except picking his head up the first time so fast made him kind of dizzy so he decides against it.

“You are so drunk.”

Isak scoffs. “I resent that.” Then he hiccups.

Even laughs again. God, why was Even so fucking giggly tonight? Isak couldn’t handle it in this state.

“Do you wanna go home?” Even asks and Isak tears his shoulder away from Even’s hand.

“No! I just got here. Where are ma boys?!”

Even looks around the room.

“Uh, Jonas and Eva are going at it in that corner,” Even points to somewhere in the room but Isak believes him and doesn’t care enough to check. Even continues looking around and laughs when he seems something else.

“Magnus is striking out with a really hot brunette,” Even points to somewhere else in the large room and this time Isak does look and then sneers.

“She’s not _that hot_ ,” Isak insists.

Even looks at Isak oddly. “Right… and,” Even peers over Isak’s head, “Mahdi is walking up the stairs with…” Even squints, “A bowl in his hand.”

Isak’s eyes widen, “Shit, I gotta go!”

Even grabs Isak’s hand to stop him, “Please find me before you leave. You really shouldn’t walk home alone.”

Isak groans. “Whatever mom.”

Even sighs and lets Isak’s hand go. Isak runs up the stairs to catch Mahdi walking into a bathroom. He greets him enthusiastically.

“Dude, I couldn’t find you! Let’s smoke.” Isak whoops and tries to shut the door behind them when Magnus barges in as well.

“I just _totally_ struck out but it’s fine because she was way out of my league anyway. Can we smoke?”

Mahdi raises the bowl as if to say “duh” and Magnus hoots excitedly. Isak falls backwards into the bathtub and then scoots over to make room for Mahdi and Magnus.

The door opens once more and sure enough, Jonas is pushing into the bathroom, his movements swayed.

“Wassup,” Jonas greets.

“Wassup,” Everyone replies in varying voices.

“Eva?” Mahdi asks.

“Vilde wanted to leave,” Jonas waves.

Mahdi packs a bowl and immediately hands it to Isak, which Isak gloats about to Jonas and Magnus.

“Just light it, dude. I hate when you hold the bowl hostage to tell your fucking conspiracy theories and shit,” Magnus says.

Isak lights the bowl, inhales, passes it to Mahdi, blows the smoke into Magnus’s face, and then gears up for war.

“ _How dare you_. They are not conspiracy theories. They are revolutionary scientific theories.”

Magnus laughs and pats Isak’s knee. “It’s okay, I’m just playing. You always got me fucked up talking about that shit. I’m into it.”

Isak smiles and accepts his next hit.

Immediately after his third hit Isak regrets his decision to smoke.

He was maybe, in hindsight, way too drunk to be smoking. The third hit makes his head feel suddenly very light but not in the nice, easygoing high way it should, and more in the nauseous, drained way being crossfaded feels like.

“Fuck,” Isak groans, closing his eyes. That only makes the spinning worse and so he opens his eyes again. The boys are looking at him in concern, all except for Jonas who appears to be experiencing the same thing, looking worse for wear.

Mahdi groans. “Did I just smoke out a couple of lightweights?”

Isak hiccups and bile comes to the back of his throat. Thankfully, he swallows it down skillfully but he knows the next time he won’t be so lucky.

“I fucked up,” Isak mutters and laughs a little. He’s aware of how ridiculous he is.

Mahdi turns to Jonas. “Are you gonna puke?”

Jonas smiles softly with his eyes closed. “No I just need to sit here for like thirty minutes, if that’s chill.” Mahdi laughs and cups Jonas’s shoulder.

“My man!” He turns to Isak. “Isakyaki, are you gonna puke?”

Isak nods weakly. “I’m totally gonna puke.” Mahdi curses softly. He hands the bowl to Magnus, gets out of the bathtub, and then pulls Isak out as well by his hands. Isak falls to his knees by the toilet and lays his cheek to the cold seat.

“Don’t look at me! I’m a disgrace,” Isak mumbles. He hears Magnus and Mahdi laugh.

“Shut up, dude. I watched you swim in your own vomit once.”

“Fuck you,” Isak says lazily and then promptly vomits into the toilet to the sympathetic groans of the rest of his friends.

“Okay, as the least fucked up I guess I’m responsible for this tonight. I saw Even earlier so I’m gonna go see if he’ll take Isak home. Magnus, stay here with Jonas and our very own disgrace.”

“Not Even,” Isak mumbles but he knows Mahdi is already gone.

“Even’s with his fucking girlfriend,” Isak continues, looking into the toilet.

Magnus reaches out of the tub to pat Isak’s back once and then starts telling him more about the conversation he had with the brunette earlier.

Isak returns his cheek to the toilet seat and closes his eyes. A moment later he opens them to see Jonas still laying back in the tub and Magnus playing on his phone but still reciting his story. He knows it’s only so Isak can concentrate on something and he’s grateful for that, even though it means listening to this disastrous retelling of Magnus striking out.

“At least it was because she was gay, dude,” Jonas whispers.

“What?”

Jonas, eyes still closed, replies softly, “Like, she didn’t want you because she was a lesbian. Not just because you were… Magnus.” Isak laughs and then vomits again, but it’s less this time, so, very promising.

“Shit, Isak, what did you drink?” Magnus asks, sounding almost in awe.

“The same shit you did,” Isak snaps, reaching up blindly to flush the toilet again.

Magnus laughs. “I guess I can just handle my liquor better.”

“Fuck you,” Isak says for the hundredth time tonight.

The door opens again and Isak feels someone kneel to the left of him but he doesn’t think he can turn his head to see who it is, doesn’t think he wants to.

Said person starts rubbing his back softly and Isak immediately knows it isn’t Mahdi. He groans in greeting.

“You okay?” Even asks and Isak grunts out a “No.” Even laughs softly.

“Are you gonna throw up again?” Even asks, so very close to Isak’s ear, and if Isak was sober he knows he would clamp up at the close contact, maybe shiver, but he’s too fucked up to process the closeness right now. 

“Maybe,” Isak replies. He opens his eyes again. Magnus is looking at him and Jonas still has his eyes closed.

“Let’s get your drunk ass home,” Even says and then grabs Isak by the waist. Isak squeals in surprise and he watches Magnus laugh as he’s lifted into a standing position.

Eventually, with the help of Mahdi, Even gets him to stay on his feet. The room is still spinning but Isak feels better after puking, at least a little.

“Say goodbye to your friends,” Even teases and Isak mumbles a “goodbye friends” as Even leads him out of the bathroom.

His friends all shout goodbyes and love you’s and Isak thinks he has really great friends, even if sometimes they smoke him out when he’s too drunk and he ends up vomiting in front of them.

Isak is vaguely aware of Even leading him out of the party, stopping at the door to tell Mikael he’s leaving.

Mikael laughs and pats Isak’s shoulder, which Isak unsuccessfully tries to shrug off with an indignant mumble.

Even orders them an uber and Isak complains the whole time they’re waiting for it to arrive because even fucked up, he does _not_ want to pay Even back for an uber. That shit is expensive and Isak does not have the funds. He can’t even find a job walking dogs.

After the third time Isak complains from his crouch on the curb, Even says, “Christ Isak, I’m not going to make you pay me back,” and then Isak starts complaining about Even having something he can hang over Isak which makes Even genuinely laugh.

“You have a beautiful laugh,” Isak mumbles with his head between his thighs and Even doesn’t reply. He probably shouldn’t have said that but who is he to deny Even the fact that his laugh could singlehandedly cure all the sorrows of the world?

When the two finally make it home, Even takes Isak to his room and Isak immediately strips out of his shirt and jeans in one spastic yet quick motion.

“Jesus,” Even says, sounding a little out of breath, “Okay, are you good? I’m gonna go.”

Isak mumbles a reply and falls into bed.

* 

Isak wakes up with a headache that feels like it’s been delivered by Satan himself.

“Good morning sunshine!” Even loudly greets Isak from the kitchen table in English. He’s holding a coffee mug and his hair is a mop on the top of his head. Just the pitch of his voice makes Isak’s head throb unpleasantly and Isak knows he’s done it on purpose so he shoots Even the deadliest glare he can muster. Everything hurts.

Marianne looks back at the sound of Even’s greeting and smiles at Isak as well. “Good morning Isak. How was Mahdi’s? 

Isak feels like a bulldozer has run over his head and he must look like it too. Marianne can’t _actually_ believe he was only at a friend’s house last night. Still, she doesn’t mention any word of his appearance and for that, Isak is grateful. 

Isak grunts out a quiet reply and then pours himself a giant mug of coffee. He doesn’t remember a lot from last night but he does remember that Even had to take him home and that fact alone makes him want to crawl into a hole.

He absolutely hates blacking out. What if he said something stupid? What if he done something stupid? He’ll literally never remember and Isak’s found that people don’t want to tell you what you said when you were shitfaced, either. It’s always a mystery.

“And where did you go last night, Even?” Marianne asks over her shoulder, stirring absurd amounts of sugar into her coffee. 

“Mikael’s,” Even supplies.

“Oh, will you invite him for dinner soon? I never see him anymore.”

If Isak wasn’t busy trying not to die, he'd roll his eyes. Mikael was always at his house. All of Even’s friends were.

“Mom, he’s always over,” Even says, voicing what Isak is thinking.

“But _I_ don’t get to see him _always_ , now do I?”

“I guess I’ll invite him for dinner?” Even asks and Marianne nods happily.

Isak’s father calls his name from the living room and Isak mumbles his annoyance under his breath. Marianne looks at him expectantly and Isak sighs. It’s gotten harder to ignore his father now that Marianne’s around, expecting a normal father-son relationship from them. Before Marianne, Fredrik calling his name was as mindless to Isak as a buzzing fly.

Isak heads towards the living room to see what his father could possibly fucking want first thing in the morning.

Marianne stops him in the doorway and hands him a cup of coffee. “For your father,” she whispers. She’s too good for him.

Fredrik is sitting in a lounge chair, reading the newspaper, and Isak hands him the coffee mug carelessly.

“Yeah?” He asks when Fredrik only takes the mug and begins to drink the black coffee without acknowledging Isak.

“You need to visit your mother tomorrow.”

Isak’s stomach drops. “I have plans.”

“Isak,” Frederick says sternly, “You need to visit your mother.”

“Yeah. _I do._ I saw her last weekend.”

“You visited her last weekend?”

Isak nods.

“Why didn’t you mention it to me?”

Isak scoffs. “Why would I?”

“Isak,” Fredrik scolds, “Don’t speak to me like this.”

Isak sneers. “Like what? Like you don’t give a fuck? You don’t. Why don’t you fucking visit her for once?”

“Isak.”

“And why can’t Lea visit? Mom deserves to see her daughter.” 

“You know Lea doesn’t need to see that.”

“ _That? That!_ Her fucking mother, you mean.”

“Isak, your mother is in no condition to talk to Lea.”

“How the fuck would you know what kind of condition mom is in? You _haven’t seen her in years._ You don’t give a fuck about mom.”

"Is that why I pay her medical bills? Because I don't care?"

"It's all about money for you, isn't it?"

“Isak!” Fredrik barks and Isak quickly exits the room, ignoring Marianne and Even’s stares and jogging up the stairs.

He can’t talk to his father. He can barely spend two minutes alone in a room with his father. Sometimes he can’t stand to even look at him. How he handled his wife, Isak’s mom, Isak can’t forgive him for it, doesn’t know how. Maybe his mom is happier now, getting the care she deserves, but to send her three hours out of the city? To never visit, to push divorce papers on her, to only talk to her through Isak or her nurses? To never let her see her daughter? That was unforgiveable to Isak.

Someone knocks on Isak’s door and he throws a pillow at it. If it’s Fredrik, Isak will say something even worse than before because he has so much to say to his father and if he pushes him far enough Isak will say it all.

The door opens and Even is there, peering into Isak’s room, looking nervous.

“Are you okay?”

Isak huffs. “I’m hungover as fuck and my dad’s a fucking asshole.”

Even shows Isak what he’s hiding behind his back. A bag of chips.

“Can I come in?" 

Isak nods wordlessly, tracing the pattern of his duvet with his eyes. He feels the bed dip next to him and the chip bag gets dropped in his lap.

“That was really intense… I’m sorry your dad’s such an asshole,” Even says and Isak snorts.

"I’m sorry your stepdad’s such an asshole.”

“Not my stepdad yet,” Even reminds him and Isak concedes.

“Tell your mom to get out while she can,” he jokes but he couldn’t be more serious.

“She really loves him,” Even says.

“Why?” Isak asks incredulously. Even shrugs.

“Love is… mystifying.”

Isak turns to look at Even and their eyes meet. Isak feels like he can’t break the eye contact, feels like he could stare into Even’s stupid blue eyes forever. Even breaks it for him with a clearing of his throat.

“You know what’s really good for hangovers?” Even asks and Isak raises his eyebrows.

Even reveals the joint in his left hand and Isak laughs. “So _that’s_ what the chips are for." 

*

Isak can’t sleep, can never sleep these days. He can’t shut his mind off, can’t shut it up, and it’s killing him, quite literally. Like, if he doesn’t get a good night’s sleep soon he’s bound to have a stupid, fatigued freak accident like fall down the stairs or walk in front of a tram. Or fall asleep in front of Sana during class.

He’s read that sometimes it helps to move around, to get out of bed and do something, so Isak walks towards the kitchen to pours himself a glass of water.

Isak’s just finished squeezing a freshly cut lemon into his glass (he likes classy water, fuck off) when a voice from behind him speaks. 

“Fuck,” Isak shrieks, spilling his water over in a panic.

Even appears holding a towel and wipes at the spill. Isak watches him silently while he tries to calm his racing heart.

“Sorry,” Even whispers, looking sincerely apologetic.

“It’s fine,” Isak whispers back, “You just scared the shit out of me.”

He smiles in reassurance.

“What’re you doing up?” Even asks, still whispering, it’s now settled that they’ll whisper, and leans against the counter next to Isak. Isak shrugs.

“Can’t sleep.”

“Yeah, same,” Even says and the two fall into slightly awkward silence. Well, Isak doesn’t know if Even thinks the silence is awkward but Isak is very aware of himself and the silence feels uncomfortable as fuck. He suddenly doesn’t know what to do with his arms, touching the counter behind him, then crossing them over his chest, then letting them hang against his sides. He side eyes Even who is looking off into the distance with a strange look on his face.

“Well, I—“

“You know what’s good for insomnia?” Even interrupts Isak’s dismissal.

Isak turns to him, “Yeah?”

Even smiles. “Dessert.”

Isak watches with interest as Even digs through their giant fridge, packed to the brim with leftover containers, weird soy proteins, and condiments.

“We have _so many condiments_ ,” Even exclaims, head still in the fridge.

“Yeah.”

Even finally finds a Tupperware of brownies that Isak can’t remember ever being baked. He cuts out two huge pieces and hands one to Isak.

“Are you sure these are still good?” Isak asks but he’s already taken a bite so there’s not much use to Even’s answer anyway.

Even takes a giant bite too. “Tastes fine. Milk?”

Isak nods and Even pours them two glasses of milk, handing one to Isak as well.

“Every time I couldn’t fall asleep when I was younger, before my dad died, I’d wake up both my parents and we’d all have brownies and milk in the kitchen.”

“Isn’t that like, the opposite of disciplining your child?”

Even laughs with a mouthful of brownie. “Probably? _I_ certainly didn’t care.”

“Every time I couldn’t fall asleep when I was younger my mom would spray me with holy water,” Isak jokes but it falls short and he cringes at himself. Even frowns at him, stepping closer.

“Sorry,” Isak says awkwardly after a beat, looking up at Even through his eyelashes, “That was supposed to be funny.”

“Your mom is better now though, yeah?”

“I mean,” Isak swallows, “She’s not _better_. But she’s, you know, getting the care she needs. She knows who I am when I visit… So… That’s all I can really ask for, I guess. 

Even stares at him in silence. 

"If you ever want to talk or... I mean, I'm here."

 "Thanks, Even." Isak means it. 

“I’m sorry you have to travel so far to see her.”

Isak smiles wetly, thinking that if they don’t change the subject immediately he will cry. It’s too late for touchy subjects. He can’t be held responsible for how he reacts to things after 1:00.

“It’s whatever.”

Even seems to understand that Isak is done with the subject because he drops it as well. Isak is grateful.

They finish their brownies in companionable silence; this time a bearable silence, less awkward more pleasant. 

Even turns to Isak and laughs as his eyes drop to Isak’s lips.

"Here,” he says. He reaches out with his thumb to rub at the side of Isak’s bottom lip. Isak sucks in a sharp breath, hopes it isn't obvious to Even that he's killing him.

“You had some chocolate,” Even explains, and then, abruptly, “Goodnight.” 

Isak lets out his long and shaky breath once Even’s left. He touches his lip softly. It’s still buzzing where Even’s grazed it.

Fuck. 

*

“Even, did you take my fucking grey hoodie again?” Isak calls, searching through his laundry hamper one more time. It’s his favorite hoodie and apparently Even has taken a liking to it as well because he’s seen him in it more than once, nevermind the tug in Isak’s gut every time he sees Even wearing his clothes.

When Isak had confronted Even the first time he’d seen him wearing it, Even had just shrugged and told Isak that it was soft. _Yeah,_ that’s why it was Isak’s favorite.

“Even!” Isak calls again, aggravated. There’s no way he can’t hear him. Their walls are too thin.

Isak could hypothetically wear a different hoodie but it’s the principle of the matter. Isak wants to wear his favorite hoodie and it’s _his_ hoodie so why couldn’t he? He confirms once more that it isn’t in his closet and then stomps down the hall.

Isak slams Even’s door open and immediately wishes he had knocked. Sonja is on top of Even in his bed, shirtless, and they’re making out furiously. Isak freezes. When the door hits the wall with the force Isak used to open it, they both freeze too and turn to look at him.

“Sorry, sorry,” Isak comes to, immediately turning around and running out of the room.

But it’s too late; Isak has seen Even and now he can’t get the image out of his head, can’t forget how Even looked, lips red and swollen, hair messy, bare chest heaving with exertion, eyes glazed over with what could only have been lust.

Before Isak can stop himself, before he can think about what’s he about to do, he’s in his own bed and shoving a hand down his pants to grip himself roughly, picturing Even’s swollen lips and how they would feel wrapped around him instead.

*

Jonas is in Isak’s kitchen and Isak is trying to decide what spices to put on their cheese toasties. Jonas has made himself at home, sitting on Isak’s counter, and the sight of it makes Isak smile.

At one point in their friendship, the sight of Jonas sitting so comfortably around Isak would only make Isak yearn for more, yearn to touch and hold him. Those days are over, thank god. The idea now only makes Isak uncomfortable.

Isak needed Jonas in his life. He needed his best friend. Isak’s crush was over because it had to be. Isak had to ensure that nothing could ruin his friendship with Jonas, especially nothing Isak might have tried to do in a lovesick haze.

Even walks in as Jonas is explaining what happened at the party Isak skipped out on last night to work on a science project with Sana. Isak really didn’t want to do school work on a Saturday night but Sana was scary and she had a point; their project would ruin their entire week if they didn’t finish it over the weekend.

“And then Mahdi threw up all over Chris’s mom’s garden,” Jonas finishes, laughing at the memory, and then, “Hey Even.”

Even greets Jonas with a dudebro handshake that makes Isak want to roll his eyes. So buddy-buddy.

“Do you want to come to the protest with us next Tuesday? Mikael and I are going with some guys from school.”

“I’m down.”

Isak scoffs. “Stop trying to steal my friends,” he says, only half-joking, and continues spicing the toast.

“ _What_ is that?” A disgusted voice asks from directly behind him and Isak turns to see Even gazing over his shoulder at the cheese toasties. Isak scoffs in defense.

“What do you think? Cheese toasties.”

Even makes a face. “What’s on them?”

“Caribbean jerk barbecue, a little chili, and some salt.”

“What about the cardamom?” Even asks and Isak ignores him.

“You _need_ cardamom!” Even exclaims when he realizes Isak isn’t going to respond, looking to Jonas for back up. Jonas laughs and raises his hands in surrender.

“That’s disgusting,” Isak counters indignantly. Even ignores him and starts rummaging through their cupboard.

Isak squints his eyes suspiciously and watches as Even knocks spices out of the way, searching for something.

When he spots it he lets out a quiet “aha!” and when Isak sees that it’s cardamom he leans over the counter to block the cheese toasties with his upper body. 

“Even, no!” Isak cries, somewhat irritated but mostly amused as Even tries to shove Isak out of the way to sprinkle cardamom on the toast. Isak pushes back and tries to grab the spice out of Even’s hand but Even holds it as high as his arm will allow, aka too high for Isak to reach. Isak jumps up to knock it out of Even’s hand and Even laughs and leans the spice further away from Isak. Their chests are connected, from torso to hip, and the second time Isak jumps to grab the spice he decides it would be better for both his sanity and his dignity if he stopped doing that with Even immediately. Instead Isak takes a step back, crosses his arms, and tries his hardest to fix Even with an unamused glare.

“Fine,” Even concedes, putting the spice down on the counter and grabbing one of the cheese toasties from the plate. He takes a bite as Isak looks on in disbelief and then smiles with his mouth full.

“Not bad… would taste better with some cardamom though.”

Isak laughs. “Please fuck off.”

Even smiles, tussles Isak’s hair as Isak tries to hit his hand away, nods a goodbye to Jonas, and jogs up the stairs.

Isak knows Jonas is looking at Isak but he doesn’t want to see the expression on his face. He knows exactly what it’ll look like, knows exactly what Jonas is thinking. After a beat of silence, after Isak continues spicing up the two cheese toasties, one now with a bite taken out of it, he turns to Jonas to hand the unbitten cheese toastie to him. Jonas is still staring at him with the expression. Isak knows Jonas too well and unfortunately for Isak, Jonas also knows Isak too well. Jonas _knows_ him. 

Isak doesn’t even bother denying it, doesn’t bother pretending, doesn’t bother playing dumb. Instead he sighs and says, “Can we just not talk about it.” It isn’t a question but rather a plea.

Jonas smiles at Isak softly in response. Fortunately, Isak also knows that Jonas won’t push something that Isak doesn’t want pushed.

Jonas confirms Isak’s knowledge with a “Whatever you want bro,” and Isak is eternally grateful for his bestfriend’s chill. 

*

“Hi sweetheart,” Marianne greets as she pours milk into a giant bowl of cereal. Isak ignores the rush he feels every time Marianne greets him with such nonchalant motherly affection, motherly affection he hasn’t felt in years, if ever, and smiles back at her.

“What are you still doing here? Are you off today?” Marianne was always the third to leave, right after his father and Lea, who Fredrik took to school in the mornings before work, but she was still always gone before Isak even woke up for the day.

“No, honey,” Marianne explains, “Even has been feeling a bit down for the last couple of days so I’m going to stick around and go in after lunch.”

Isak had noticed Even’s absence, of course, but he’d thought Even was out, maybe at Sonja’s or Mikael’s this weekend. He hadn’t realized he was just depressed in his room. The realization makes Isak feel like shit.

“Oh,” Isak mutters in reply.

They had talked about this. The whole family did, at some point after it was established that they would all move in together but before they actually did.

Marianne had explained, with Even sitting next to her, looking like he wished the ground would swallow him whole, that Even was bipolar and that sometimes his moods were affected by it. Marianne encouraged Even to explain in more detail the kind of things that could happen.

Even said that sometimes he felt elated, like he could do anything, and that they would probably notice when because it was hard to hide that kind of excitement, that usually Even didn’t want to hide it. He explained that he was still himself, it wasn’t like he was possessed or something. It was more like he was an amplified version of himself. A sugar high, he explained for Lea’s benefit.

But, Even followed, those times, manic episodes he called them, were usually followed by whiles of feeling very low, sometimes not getting out of bed for days, even weeks when it was really bad. Even promised that his medicine had been adjusted and was almost perfect, but that sometimes he still experienced mild manic and depressive episodes. His doctor told him that he would probably experience them forever.

“What can I do to help?” Lea had asked in concern. Lea really liked Even, Isak already knew, by the way she talked to him and the way she talked about him. Even was good with her, always listening to her nonsensical ramblings about whatever drama six year olds had to deal with and taking her to see really shitty kid’s movies at the theatre when she asked.

Even turned to Lea and smiled. “If I’m ever feeling down, promise me you’ll bring me a lollipop to cheer me up,” Even joked, reaching over to squeeze Lea’s side. Lea squealed joyfully and Isak’s heart pinched at the sight.

“I’ll bring you _ten_ ,” Lea promised and that was that.

“Can I do anything?” Isak asks Marianne and Marianne smiles at him gratefully.

“Why don’t you bring him this cereal? He might not eat it but he’ll probably be relieved to see someone that isn’t his nagging mother for once,” Marianne replies playfully but Isak can tell she feels guilty about something, maybe the guilt that comes simply with having a sick family member, a guilt that Isak is all too familiar with.

“No prob boss,” Isak jokes and grabs the bowl of cereal along with a spoon out of the drawer.

He knocks once on Even’s door but assumes there won’t be a response and opens the door without waiting. Even is lying in his bed, staring silently at his ceiling fan and it hurts just to see him like this. He doesn’t want to see Even sad. Even likes to annoy him, that much is clear, but he’s also a ray of fucking sunshine that lights up Isak’s day, although he’d never admit that to anyone out loud. Even exudes happiness and seeing him sad is like seeing the sun go out. 

“Cereal time!” Isak jokes, trying to mask the sadness he feels, and walks over to the other side of the bed. Even acknowledges him with a small “hi” and Isak counts it as a victory.

He puts the cereal on Even’s bedside table and sits in the space between the table and Even’s head. Even turns so that he’s facing Isak.

“I don’t feel like eating right now, but thank you.” Even looks so small and sad and Isak suddenly feels the urge to cry. He swallows the branch stuck in his throat because he knows Even doesn’t need to see that right now.

“Do you wanna watch a movie?” Isak asks instead and he doesn’t know where that comes from. He should go to school. He’s pushing past ten percent already and the principal definitely doesn’t like him enough to allow him fifteen. But still, the idea of leaving Even right now makes Isak feel sick to his stomach.

“Don’t you have school?” Even whispers. Isak shakes his head and that’s that. When Even falls asleep against Isak’s side ten minutes into _Romeo + Juliet_ , Isak closes his eyes too and feels content.

*

When Isak wakes up, it’s to the sound of both Mikael and Adam’s voices, sounds he’s gotten to know very well both because the wall between he and Even’s room are very thin, and because when the boys aren’t in Even’s room, they’re hanging out in the living room or the kitchen or sometimes even joining their “family dinners.” Even’s friend group is huge and someone always seems to be over, hanging out with Even or talking to Marianne if Even isn’t home yet. Isak has friends too, of course, best friends, but Isak is always at their houses instead. Before he moved in with Marianne and co. he never dreamed of having friends over, didn’t want them seeing his home life. He didn’t want them meeting his mother or his father. The only friend who’d ever seen his old house, who’d ever met his parents or Lea, was Jonas. Obviously, Jonas.

A house that’s always full of friends, always _allowed_ to be full of friends, is a concept that Isak is trying to get used to. He had Eva over last Thursday and it felt surreal introducing Eva, one of his closest friends for almost three years, to his sister for the first time.

Isak opens his eyes and sure enough, Mikael and Adam are standing at the entrance of Even’s room, both of them holding DVDs and snacks.

Isak immediately sits up and Even adjusts to the loss in his sleep, turning over to push his face into his pillow. Isak looks down at him for a minute, watching as his hair gets crazier the more he tries to get comfortable, and he smiles faintly at the sight.

Then someone clears their throat and Isak looks up again to see Mikael smirking and Adam looking at him with his eyebrows raised.

Isak slowly gets out of Even’s bed and walks towards the boys. “He’s all yours,” he whispers, avoiding Mikael’s eyes, and leaves the room.

*

Julian is over because Julian really likes Isak and he was forward enough to ask Isak to hang out, and Isak really needs to get over this _thing_ he feels for his stepbrother, so, _yeah_.

Julian’s a third year but they had chemistry together last year because Isak is in advanced science. Julian always sat next to him in that class, made casual conversation or asked for help with homework. This year they don’t have class together but he still talks to Isak when he sees him in the halls. The thing is, Isak isn’t like, conceited or anything, but he’s always known that Julian is into him. It’s obvious, really, by the way Julian talks to him and acts around him and even looks at him sometimes. So when Julian finally asks Isak to hang out Isak thinks, yeah, okay, why the fuck not? It’s not like he’s got any other suitors at his door.

And Isak is pleasantly surprised to find out that even outside of a classroom setting, Julian is really nice. He’s quiet but not boring and Isak finds himself genuinely enjoying their afternoon together. They just hang out in Isak’s room after school and Julian shows him YouTube videos that make Isak laugh out loud and it’s completely chill. 

The best part of it all is that Isak doesn’t feel nervous at all. He feels like he has the upper hand around Julian. He doesn’t overanalyze everything he says or does. He doesn’t worry about how he looks. His heart doesn’t beat so fast that he thinks he’ll have a heart attack when Julian gets near him.

Isak doesn’t think he can for real date this guy. You should probably have genuine feelings for someone to date them, right? But he’s enjoying their kind of date and it feels nice to know someone wants him.

Of course, Isak can’t have it all, because halfway through a dancing gorilla video that Julian is showing him, Even walks into his room unannounced. 

He’s holding Isak’s favorite hoodie, folded in his palm, and stops when he sees the two of them.

“Hello,” he says oddly. Isak crinkles his eyebrows at him.

“Hello?” Isak mocks, confused.

“Hi,” Julian greets and leaves his place on Isak’s bed to shake Even’s hand.

Even looks at Julian’s outstretched hand like it’s diseased. 

“Julian,” Julian introduces himself. Even finally shakes his hand and mutters, “Even.”

“Are you Isak’s brother?” Julian asks him and then turns to Isak, “I didn’t know you had siblings.”

Isak blinks. “I have a sister.”

“I’m not Isak’s brother. I just live here.”

Julian must look confused because Even continues, “Our parents are engaged.”

“Oh,” Julian replies, “So wouldn’t that make you, like, basically brothers?”

Isak visibly winces but luckily Julian’s back is turned and Even is still staring at Julian oddly.

“No,” Even says blankly.

Then he looks back at Isak. “Your hoodie,” he gestures, drops it on Isak’s desk, and then leaves without another word and without reclosing the door.

“Whoa,” Julian turns to Isak with a surprised expression once Even’s out of sight, “Do you guys not get along or something?”

“Or something,” Isak mutters.

*

“Can you please pay attention?” Sana snaps. Isak looks up from where he was zoned out, staring into their homework, to see Sana’s extremely unamused face looking back at him across her kitchen table.

Isak sighs exasperatedly. “I am paying attention.”

“What did I just say?” Sana counters and Isak huffs out a forced laugh.

“I will not justify that question with an answer!”

When Sana still doesn’t laugh or smile in Isak’s direction, Isak makes a pitiful face.

“Forgive me?”

Sana rolls her eyes but smiles. “It’s fine, we should probably take a break anyway. We’ve been focusing on this for too long.”

See, no one realizes this, but Isak knows Sana is a big ‘ole softie. When Isak was outted at the end of first year, Sana was there for him in a way Isak wasn’t expecting. He barely even knew her at the time, only through Eva, but he heard she defended him countless times around school. And so when he saw her in his Biology class after the summer, Isak knew he had to get to know her. It didn’t hurt that she was crazy smart and just being her lab partner upped his grades.

Sana’s putting together carrots and hummus for them when Elias walks in with Mikael and Even at his heels.

Yesterday Even was acting all weird around Julian and today, apparently, Even has decided it’s Isak’s turn, because he doesn’t acknowledge him, doesn’t even look at him.

Elias greets his sister and Isak, Mikael nods his head at the two of them as well, but Even only ducks his head and walks straight to Elias’s room.

Isak is fuming. What the fuck did he do to deserve Even’s silence? He’s done nothing wrong.

When the three friends have gone to Elias’s room and closed the door, Sana turns on him.

“Sibling spat?”

“So you noticed!” Isak says, excited that someone else caught on to Even being a _dick_ to him.

“Of course. He didn’t say hello to you.”

“I don’t know what his problem is,” Isak unleashes, “I have literally done nothing to him. Yesterday he came into my room and I was hanging out with Julian. You know Julian, the third year?”

Sana nods her head.

“Yeah, well, Even was like, lowkey a total dick to him and—“

“How so?” Sana interrupts.

“Just kind of cold and very un-Even like? I don’t know. And then at dinner last night he didn’t even look at me! And now apparently today he’s ignoring me. What the _fuck_.”

Sana stares at Isak like she wants to say something so Isak waits. After a long beat, Isak shakes his head. “Hello?”

Sana ‘hmms’ thoughtfully but still doesn’t reply.

“You’ll work things out,” she says finally.

“Work _what_ out! I didn’t do anything!”

Sana stares at him with this look on her face. It isn’t pity but, Isak thinks, it’s akin to it.

He waits for her to explain herself but she only slides the plate of hummus towards him and turns back to her notes.

“Next question.”

*

When Even ignores Isak in the kitchen that night, he angrily follows Even up the stairs and into his room.

“Why are you being a dick?”

Even rolls his eyes.

“What?”

Isak scoffs. “What’d you mean, _what_? You’ve ignored me for two days.”

Even only stares at Isak blankly, which makes Isak all the angrier.

“Earth. To. Even.” Isak snaps his fingers in front of his face.

“Stop treating me like I’m crazy,” Even snaps and wow, okay, that’s pretty low. Isak is one hundred percent _not_ doing that. He just wants Even to explain his fucking attitude.

“Stop treating me like I’m your fucking brother,” Isak bites because Even’s acting like he can just be an actual dick to him for no reason and he _can’t_. They aren’t family. He can’t just take his shit out on Isak because he’s around.

They’ve fought tons of times before, bickering over what to watch for “family movie nights” or where to eat for “family dinners” or who gets to shower first. They’ve even had a few intense fights, fights about more serious things. This still feels different.

The way Even is looking at him, his breathing heavy and his eyes heavy too, makes Isak squirm. And he’s so close to Isak now, Isak’s back against the wall, the light switch digging into his back.

For one shameful second Isak thinks Even is going to kiss him. Thinks Even is going to grab him roughly by the waist and give Isak what he deserves.

Instead, he moves his head to the side and hisses, “I am _not_ your _fucking_ brother,” directly into Isak’s ear. Even’s lips just barely graze the top of Isak’s ear and Isak can’t help it, he involuntarily shivers.

Even pushes himself away from Isak then, with a push against the wall, looks at him for a beat longer, an expression somewhere between angry and something else, something that Isak can’t place, and then storms out of the room, slamming the door loudly behind him.

Isak slides down the wall until he’s sitting on his carpeted floor, his knees to his chest. He can feel his heart beating against his chest, can almost hear it. 

_What the fuck?_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much for "I'll update in a couple of days" but here it finally is! It's been a wild ride.
> 
> This has been so much fun and for everyone who has left kudos or commented wowowow I can't thank you enough. I love you all so much ♥ 
> 
> Also recheck those tags bc a few have been added ;)

Isak hates himself for smiling when he sees a piece of paper lying on his bed the day after his and Even’s fight.

Even’s done this once before, back when he “didn’t eat” Isak’s pizza but Isak had accused him anyway. Even left a drawing in some kind of half-assed apology about the pizza, which Isak took as an admittance of guilt but Even said was only because he felt bad that someone else had eaten it. Of course, Isak had dropped it after that because he’s a sucker for Even’s stupid cartoon drawings of the two of them, apparently.

The new comic that Even’s drawn is still of Isak and Even. On one side of the page, Even has a giant penis on his head and looks angry whilst staring at a cartooned dopey Isak. On the other side, the two are smiling at each other, sans dick. Isak lets out a surprised laugh.

At the bottom the drawing reads in Even’s sloppy cursive:

_Sorry I was acting like a huge dick. Truce?_

Isak rolls his eyes. Of course he doesn’t get an explanation for Even’s attitude, just an apology. It’s as annoying as it is frustrating. Why can’t Isak get a reason? If it was something Isak said or did to piss Even off, he deserves to know.

Isak thinks he’ll say something, tell Even he deserves more than a “truce,” but when he passes Even in the hall later that day, Isak realizes he is weak. Even smiles at him hesitantly and Isak simply rolls his eyes before shooting him a smile back.

“Truce, _dick._ ”

*

“Hey,” Isak greets when he sees Marianne in the kitchen, staring at a pot of water on the stove, waiting for it to boil.

“Hi sweetheart,” Marianne greets and Isak’s heart soars. He misses the shallow things about having a mom around, like being called endearing little pet names.

Even before his dad sent his mom away, she wasn’t really _there_. She wasn’t really a mother. Isak loves his mom, loves her more than anything, but she couldn’t be a mother to him because she could barely cope with being her own person. That’s okay, and Isak understands it, understands that she was sick and doing her best, but still, to be around that now, it makes Isak realize how much he missed it. How much he missed the comfort of someone like that around.

“What’re you making?” He asks and Marianne sighs dramatically. Isak raises his eyebrows.

“I am making spaghetti for the third night in a row because _somebody_ ,” definitely Even, Isak knows, “forgot to go grocery shopping for me today.”

Isak snorts, “That _somebody_ needs to get his act together.” Marianne laughs, a full belly laugh, and it makes Isak smile.

“You’re damn right.” She turns to shoot Isak a soft smile and Isak returns it.

“I’ve been meaning to tell you,” she says before Isak can leave the kitchen.

Isak stops on his way out. “Yeah?”

“I would love it if you invited Jonas to the wedding.”

Isak’s forehead scrunches up in confusion.

“Jonas?”

Marianne gives him a look. “Yes, of course. I didn’t know him very well when invitations went out but he’s your best friend yes?”

Isak nods his head in confirmation.

“And I adore him so I’d love it if he came.”

Isak smiles. “Okay… I’ll let him know.”

Marianne nods, goes back to her cooking. Isak stands in the doorway, stares at her back.

“Marianne?”

“Hmm?” She inquires, now stirring the pasta in.

“Thank you.”

She turns around to glance at Isak once more and gives him a warm smile. “Of course, sweetheart.”

Isak knows she’s inviting Jonas for him. Knows that the wedding will be mostly people Isak doesn’t know. Sure his grandparents are flying in but other than that, his dad’s invitees consist mainly of work colleagues and friends Isak has never met. Marianne is looking out for him. Looking out for him like a mother.

Isak can’t ruin this. He can’t ruin this with his stupid feelings for Even.

*

“Even, can you take me to the park?” Lea asks. Even is sprawled out on the living room couch, drawing in his sketchbook. Isak eyes the two from across the room where he’s scrolling through Instagram and half watching the program on television.

Isak thinks he should probably be jealous that Lea would rather hang out with Even than her actual brother, but like, he can’t complain that he doesn’t have to be dragged around the park anymore. 

Even eyes Lea doubtfully and then reluctantly sighs. 

“Sure.”

Lea cheers. _Sucker_.

“Can Sonja come?” Lea asks hopefully and Isak can practically feel the air change in the room. Lea immediately took a liking to Sonja when they’d met because “Sonja looks like a princess.” Yeah, Sonja was fucking beautiful; there was no denying that. It stung.

“So…” Even stalls and Isak sits up in his chair curiously, “Sonja and I... aren't really together anymore, Lee. I don’t think she’ll... be around so much anymore.” He shoots her an apologetic look and then glances at Isak. Isak immediately looks back down at his phone, feigning disinterest but his mind is racing. Sonja and Even broke up? When did they break up? How long have they been broken up? Who broke up with whom? Is Even sad? Should Isak say something? Should he—

“Then can Isak come to the park?” Lea asks and Isak cringes. Fuck.

Isak looks up at Even again and this time Even is grinning in his direction. 

“You better ask him,” he mock-whispers to Lea.

Lea turns to look at Isak now and Isak internally groans.

“Issy, will you come to the park with me and Even?”

Isak sighs. “Of course, Lee.” _Sucker._ When Lea turns away Isak shoots Even a death glare. Even grins.

*

Isak watches as Even pushes Lea on a swing in the park. It’s adorable, really. Isak can’t deny it. The way Lea looks up to Even, the way Even treats Lea like a little sister.

It also makes Isak feel sick to his stomach. If Lea looks at Even like a brother, how does Lea see the two of them? Logically, she must look at them as brothers, the five of them as one big family. Isak can’t stomach it.

Is he disturbed? Is he fucked up in the head?

Probably, but what can he do about it? When they talk, when they _don’t_ talk, when they fight, when Even even looks at him, Isak can’t escape what he feels.

He’s trying to bury it. Bury it deep, deep down where it can’t see the light of day. If his dad doesn’t fuck it up, Even’s going to be in his life forever, be his _family_ forever.

If Isak doesn’t bury it now, what’s he going to do when Even is married to some beautiful fucking model, ten years down the line with a family of his own, and Isak is forced to watch it from the front row because they’re “family?” It’ll only get worse, Isak knows, if he doesn’t squash it now. 

He needs to strangle these feelings, needs to cut their oxygen supply before they grow into something so big, so painful, that he can’t destroy them. He’s done it before, with Jonas. Of course, Isak didn’t feel like this about Jonas. Jonas was his first real crush on a boy and it was easy because Jonas was always around, joking with Isak and taking care of him through the shit with his mom. It was easy to like Jonas.

It was different with Even. Liking Even wasn’t easy, truthfully it was really fucking difficult, but it was inevitable. Everything Even did or said, every time Even looked at him with those stupid blue eyes, every time he played with Lea, Isak couldn’t help but feel _everything_. 

Isak is torn from his thoughts when Lea calls his name. She’s gesturing for him to walk over to her. Isak sighs and stands up off the bench he was lounging on to approach the duo.

When he reaches them, Even shoots him a smirk that goes straight to both Isak’s heart and his dick. Are the two linked? Lately every time Even did something that made Isak’s heart pinch, even something small or stupid, Isak also felt aroused.

Jesus, he really needed to get his shit together.

“Your turn,” Even says, poking Isak’s shoulder. Isak scowls. 

“My turn.”

*

It’s late and Isak can’t fall asleep. His insomnia is getting worse as of late and he’s resorted to all the Internet’s suggestions on how to fall asleep. His room is freezing, he’s got socks on, he’s counted a shit ton of sheep, breathed while counting to seven, exhaled to four, and he’s still awake, staring at his ceiling, trying not to think about the time that’s passing, the hours of sleep he’s losing.

Isak thinks everything’s worth a try and shoves his hand down his boxers to grip himself. He’s read that having an orgasm can make you tired and can attest to it, so there’s no harm in trying right now. It’s not as if it’s a _burden_ to jerk off. He’s a teenager.

He pulls his dick out of his boxers and pushes his boxers down his legs and onto the floor. Then he spits in his hand and starts to stroke himself. He tries to think of faceless bodies, of men he’s watched in porn, but the harder he gets, the harder it is not to picture Even again, lips swollen like he’d seen them when he interrupted him and Sonja a couple of weeks ago. Isak lets out a shaky breath, succumbing to the fantasy.

He’s fucking into Even’s mouth and Even loves it, is looking into his eyes and sucking him down enthusiastically. Even’s fucking eyes, they were one of the most intoxicating parts about him. Isak could ignore Even’s words but he couldn’t ignore his eyes, his stare.

Isak starts thrusting into the air with the image, the eye contact, and his breathing gets heavier. He thinks about Even reaching around and sticking a finger into him, does the same thing to himself, and moans loudly as it breaches.

He doesn’t know how loud he’s being but he doesn’t care. It must be two in the morning by now; no one’s awake to hear.

Isak sticks the finger into himself up to his knuckle and continues stroking his dick with his other hand, twisting his wrist when he reaches the head like he knows he likes. He moans again, can’t help himself, picturing Even touching him, kissing him, remembering how it felt when his lips grazed Isak’s ear, how he’d hissed into it with that deep voice of his.

Fuck, his voice. So deep and sultry. Even when Even is annoyed the sound of his voice is pleasant, kind of whiney and scratchy and Isak thinks about how it would sound if Even was annoyed about something different, like Isak teasing him in bed.

Isak moans uncontrollably and then hears something that he knows hasn’t come from him. He immediately stops all movements and looks at his door. That’s exactly what he needs: someone walking in on him mid stepbrother fantasy, naked and hard.

The door’s closed and Isak doesn’t hear anyone walking down the hall. He waits another ten seconds in silence before deciding he’s safe.

He’s about to stroke his dick to continue, satisfied that no one will walk in, when he hears the noise again.

It’s faint but it’s there. Isak’s breath catches in his throat. It’s coming from Even’s room, Isak knows, from the other side of the wall.

Isak grips himself once more, letting out a quiet moan, half because he can’t help it, because he can already feel his orgasm creeping up on him, and half to see if the noise in Even’s room will stop.

It doesn’t. If anything, it gets louder. It’s a kind of slapping noise and if Isak didn’t know any better, he’d think Even was touching himself too. Just the idea makes Isak _need_ to come and he begins stroking himself faster and moaning at his own touch, at what he pictures is Even’s.

On the other side of the wall, Isak hears it. He knows he does. It’s a moan as well. Isak’s breathing gets heavier and he whines loudly, waiting for a response. He gets one, another moan, almost a grunt. Isak starts stroking himself faster, eyes pinched shut. He pictures Even, on the other side of the wall, stroking his hard dick and it does more for Isak than even the fantasy of Even sucking him off. The idea of Even touching himself is so hot. Isak pictures what he saw when he walked in on Even and Sonja. He pictures Even sweaty and naked and panting. He pictures his huge hands, hands that Isak has spent hours staring at, stroking his own perfect dick.

Isak can’t help it, he strokes himself once, twice more, and then he comes all over his chest with a loud groan and Even’s name at the tip of his tongue. _Fuck._

As Isak comes down from his high, his breathing settles and his mind sharpens once more. The room is quiet now and the noises he was hearing have stopped as well.

He doesn’t know if it was all in his head, if he wanted to hear Even’s moans so badly that in the heat of the moment he imagined them, or fuck, if the noises were real but Even’s in there with Sonja, maybe reuniting after their breakup.

Still, Isak knows that he’s never come so hard in his life and he knows that he falls asleep almost instantly after.

*

When Isak wakes up the next day, he immediately feels embarrassed. Embarrassed and confused.

It was late, really late, and sometimes late at night, when people are tired, they imagine things. Did he imagine Even on the other side of the wall, touching himself too? Did he imagine his moans? His whines? Isak has no idea. He really doesn’t know. He hopes he imagined it and he also really, really hopes he didn’t.

He does know that’s he’s eternally grateful for having first period off, especially today, so that he won’t have to face Even until after school, even if there’s nothing to face.

He spends the first half of the school day trying to remember every detail of the night before. He has to stop thinking about it when he feels himself harden in third period. He really doesn’t need to walk out of class with a boner.

Sana definitely notices something is off, snaps at him for not concentrating. After class they walk out together and she asks, “Is it the thing with Even? Are you two still fighting?”

Isak shakes his head. “We’re fine.” Fine. They’re fine. Their fight is over and now Isak’s resorted to what? Pretending that they jerk off together?

“Did he explain himself?”

“No but he apologized.”

Sana shoots him a look that Isak ignores. He knows what she’s thinking, that Isak deserves an explanation. Isak’s thankful that Sana is the way she is, minds her own business sometimes to a fault, and he knows she won’t push it.

Isak’s thinking the same thing as Sana. Even though everything is fine now. Even though Isak’s relieved. Even should’ve given him a reason why he was so mad at Isak, why he treated him so poorly. But Isak is scared to push it because he doesn’t want them to be on bad terms again. Yeah Isak was pissed when Even was ignoring him but that was mainly just a coping mechanism because what he really felt was hurt. 

“What’s up with you today, man?” Jonas asks at lunch. He’s quiet and in his own head and Jonas is too good of a friend not to notice.

Isak shrugs, tries to play it like he’s tired even though last night he got the best sleep he’s gotten in weeks.

“Tired.”

Jonas looks concerned. “Are you still not sleeping? You should really tell someone about that.”

Isak scoffs. “Like who?”

“Like a doctor,” Mahdi suggests and Isak groans.

“I fucking hate going to the doctor. And I don’t need to go to one anyway. I’m fine.”

“Okay, maybe not a _doctor_ , but like, what about the school nurse?”

Magnus laughs, “She’s so funny, dude. Last year I went in there when I fell on my wrist and she was like… wild.”

“And you know we’re here if you need to talk about… whatever,” Jonas says. When Isak glances at him, he’s staring at Isak with an expression that says _you know what you can talk to me about_ and Isak nods his head in understanding.

“Best friend mindreading… so rude,” Mahdi jokes.

Isak scoffs, “You’re just jealous.”

“Nei, Mahdi and I can do the same,” Magnus exclaims, “Watch.” 

Magnus and Mahdi turn to each other. Magnus raises his eyebrows dramatically and Mahdi rolls his eyes.

“Magnus wants McDonalds’s after school,” Mahdi translates.

“Fy Faen!” Magnus shouts, “How did you know?” 

“I can read your mind… And you texted me this morning.”

Magnus laughs, “Right, I forgot,” he turns to Jonas and Isak, “So can we?”

“Does a bear shit in the woods?” Jonas asks in English.

The three gape at him.

“Jonas what the fuck?”

Jonas laughs. “Sorry, I’ve been watching a lot of American Westerns. They say the weirdest shit.”

*

When Isak walks into the school nurse’s office, she stares at him in silence. When it’s clear she isn’t going to say anything, Isak speaks. “You’re the school doctor?”

“Hmm, well, kind of,” she says, pulling on her braid, “Technically. Yes. I guess.”

Great. Super qualified. Isak nods.

“What can I do for you Isak Valtersen?” The school doctor… Dr. Skrulle, Isak thinks is her name, asks.

_I think I’m in love with my soon to be stepbrother. Is there a pill for that?_

“I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately,” he says instead.

“That sucks,” she replies and shit, Isak really regrets coming here. He _knows_ it sucks. He doesn’t need a fake doctor to tell him that. What’s the point in that?

“I was thinking I could maybe get some pills or something? To help me sleep.”

“Ahh, Isak. I am not legally qualified to give you drugs, hence the, um, “kind of” part of my doctor title. For how long have you had trouble sleeping?”

“Um,” when did Even move in? “Maybe a couple of months.”

“Well,” she turns to type something into her dinosaur computer, “I can refer you to BUP so they can help sort out all those thoughts in that sleep deprived head of yours.”

Yeah, no. Fuck no.

 “No, sorry. No. I’m not doing that… Like, I’m absolutely not doing that.”

“Okay,” Dr. Skrulle turns on him, “Isak, listen to me... Every person, they’re like an Island. And—“

Isak kind of zones out around there because he’s read the poem and he doesn’t need a literature lesson in this fake doctor’s visit. When she stops talking and stares at him expectantly, Isak shakes his head.

“Got it.”

“Talk to someone, Isak. You can’t keep isolating yourself.”

Just watch him.

*

When Isak gets home, Even is already in the kitchen. Isak braces himself for the interaction, feels a little unsteady on his feet just thinking about it.

“Hey,” Even greets with a smile when he sees Isak. Isak smiles back hesitantly. “What’s up?”

“Not much… what’re you making?”

“Just some cookies for a scene me and Mikael have to film tonight. Do you want any?”

Isak continues to stare at Even’s back as he mixes dry ingredients together.

When Isak forgets to reply, Even turns around to look at him. Isak gauges his facial expression, which appears completely calm and normal and like everything Isak isn’t feeling right now.

“Is that a no?” Even asks.

“Huh?”

“Do you want some cookies when I’m done?”

“Oh, uh, no. Thanks… I’m good.”

Even nods his head and then turns back to his dessert.

Isak walks out of the kitchen and decides last night was completely, one hundred percent, his imagination. It was all Isak. He just wants too much.

*

“Do you even want this?” Marianne screams from somewhere downstairs and Isak mumbles an exasperated “Jesus.”

His dad and Marianne have been yelling at each other going on thirty minutes and Isak’s ears are starting to bleed. Even through his closed door their yelling is ridiculously loud. They don’t fight often, a feat Isak thinks is admirable considering how intolerable his father is, but when they do it’s loud and dramatic.

A moment later when someone knocks at Isak’s door, he completely gives up on his Norwegian homework and throws it off his bed.

“Come in.”

His door opens to reveal Even holding Lea on his hip. Lea’s crying quietly and Isak jumps off of the bed to retrieve her from Even.

“What’s going on, Lee?”

Lea sniffles and Isak places her on his bed. Even takes a seat on the opposite side of her.

“I think she’s upset about the yelling,” Even tells him quietly.

Isak wipes Lea’s tears with his thumb gently.

“I don’t want Marianne and Even to leave,” Lea whispers. Isak’s heart sinks. Isak’s dad acts like Lea can’t remember their mom, can’t remember her being taken away, but Isak knows that she does. It’s stuff she says like this that confirms it.

“We’re not going anywhere,” Even says kindly, patting her knee, and Lea sniffles.

“Dad and Marianne are just having a… a pre-marriage spat. All couples have to do it before they get married… It’s just science.”

Even shoots Isak a bemused smile from behind Lea’s head.

“Really?”

Isak laughs. “Well, maybe it’s not science but I promise you Marianne is going to be around for a very long time… Even too.”

Even rubs the top of Lea’s head affectionately. “I’m here to stay, kid.”

Lea turns to look up at Even and Isak’s heart squeezes when Even looks back down at her with a smile.

The whole display is so familial, so sibling-like.

Isak feels sick.

When Lea feels better, the yelling from downstairs quiet now and her tears dried, she leaves Isak’s room but Even stays put.

“You’re good with her,” Isak says. Even smiles, staring off into space.

“Thanks. I’ve always wanted a little sister.”

“Why a little sister?”

Even shrugs. “I don’t know. Katherine’s always been kind of like a second mom to me. When dad died she was like, my rock. I’ve always wanted to be someone’s rock, I guess.”

Isak sits in silence, touched.

After a moment, Even clears his throat.

“Not that I’d want to like… take anything away from you and Lea. You’re her brother,” Even placates, probably misinterpreting Isak’s silence for some kind of jealousy. Isak isn’t jealous that Even and Lea get along so well. It just confirms what Isak already knows: that Even fits right into the family.

The problem is Isak. It’s Isak’s problem. And he needs to fix it.

*

**Kebab? I’ll pay.**

**Um yeah wtf how could I say no to that?**

**The one near your house in 20?**

**Cool**

Jonas knows how Isak feels about Even but they’ve never talked about it, Isak’s never put it into words, and Isak is a bundle of nerves as he waits for Jonas to show up at the kebab joint.

Isak knows he needs to talk out these feelings with someone and he doesn’t trust anyone like he trusts Jonas. Jonas was there when his mom went off the walls and his dad practically abandoned them. Jonas has seen him at his worst and his best and it’s Jonas he wants to talk to when he feels like talking and this Even thing doesn’t feel like it’s going away any time soon so he figures it’ll stop haunting him as much if he says it out loud to someone.

Maybe Jonas will even have some solid advice.

When Jonas arrives Isak greets him with his already paid for kebab and Jonas smiles, fistbumping Isak in greeting.

“What’s the special occasion?” Jonas asks once they’ve situated themselves by the water and started at their kebabs. Isak looks out into the water. It’s calming, almost. He thinks about all the living creatures that live under the surface. Are they as miserable as he is? No. They’re not drowning but right now, Isak feels like he is. 

“I wanted to…” Isak swallows. It should be easy to say this, Jonas already knows for fuck sakes, but saying the words out loud feels concrete. Feels too real.

Jonas eats his kebab silently and waits for Isak to continue. He loves that about Jonas. He’s patient and understanding and he knows what Isak needs. No wonder he used to have such a big crush on him.

Isak takes a deep breath and lets it come out in one long take. “I wanted to talk about Even because it’s fucking killing me and I think if I talk about it I’ll feel better,” he says in one quick breath.

There. It’s in the air.

“What about Even?” Jonas asks and Isak hmphs in annoyance.

“C’mon Jonas, you know what I mean.”

Jonas waits. He’s really going to make Isak say it. Isak takes back everything he thought moments ago. Jonas is an asshole.

“I like him. I really like him.”

Jonas sits on this for a moment and then looks at Isak.

“What’re you doing to do about it?”

Isak could scream.

“I don’t know! I need _you_ to tell me what I’m going to do about it. I can’t live like this anymore, dude.”

“Isak, hear me out.”

He waits.

“Maybe you should just… tell him.”

Isak scoffs. “Are you sick?”

Jonas laughs a little. “Seriously, dude. Tell him how you feel. Get it out there.”

“Where the fuck will that get me? Then I’ll still be pining over my future stepbrother except it’ll be worse because he’ll _know_.”

“You gotta chill with this future stepbrother shit, man. Even is… a good-looking guy,” Isak scoffs and Jonas ignores him, “—who lives in your house. And he’s nice and funny and smart and cool and—“

“Who has the crush here?” 

“—and maybe it’s only fucking natural that you’d develop feelings for him. Stop beating yourself up because he’s going to be your stepbrother. You’re not, like, acting incestuous or some shit.”

Isak groans. “You’re missing the point, Jonas. This guy is going to be in my life _forever_. I can’t act on my fucking feelings. This isn’t _Clueless_.”

Jonas smiles, “What the fuck is _Clueless_?”

Isak rolls his eyes. “Some stupid fucking movie Even made me watch.”

“And the stepsiblings… fall in love? Subtle.”

“No, they’re ex-stepsiblings and that’s not even the point of the movie, it’s about this—you know what, it doesn’t matter. The point is that if your advice to me is to “tell Even how I feel” then… then I cannot follow your advice.”

Jonas grumbles to himself.

“Think about it at least. This could help you sleep, at least, if you just let everything out in the open. He might even surprise you.”

“Surprise me with what?”

“Just think about it, Isak. Okay?”

*

“I seriously can’t watch this for another second,” Even says and Isak groans loudly. Even is looking at him from the other side of the couch expectantly, like Isak’s going to give in to Even’s insinuation to turn the channel. _Think again, you fool_.

“Shut up. I always have to sit through your pretentious crap.”

“If I have to watch this for one more minute every cell in my brain is going to implode, Isak.”

Isak laughs obnoxiously in reply and then, “Do you hear yourself?”

“Change the channel.”

“No one’s making you sit here!” Isak exclaims, throwing his hands up in exaggerated annoyance.

“We have one television. It’s only fair that we agree on what we watch.”

Isak scoffs. “Where was that rule when I was watching your shitty mystery show.”

“Twin Peaks isn’t shitty! It’s eccentric.”

Isak rolls his eyes. “It’s _shitty_.”

“Give me the remote,” Even demands, holding his hand out towards Isak.

Isak gapes, fighting back a smile.

“You can have the remote when you pry it from my cold, dead hands,” he says in English. So he’s feeling a little dramatic today. He watched _Men in Black_ yesterday with Jonas after their pointless shit of a conversation. Or, not pointless per se but completely unhelpful in Isak’s opinion. Jonas continued insinuating he should tell Even throughout the night and Isak kept ignoring or flat out refusing to follow this advice. He can’t ruin this.

Even laughs and then lunges at Isak, who keeps the remote as far away from Even as possible without moving from the couch.

“Even, no!” Isak screeches. Even’s got one hand on Isak’s wrist and he’s practically in Isak’s lap.

When Isak tries to make a run for it, Even grabs him by the waist and plants him back on the couch. Isak still has a steel grip on the remote.

“You’ll literally have to kill me first,” Isak sputters, half laughing half wheezing.

“That can be arranged,” Even laughs. He now has Isak pinned down on the couch by his shoulders and Isak is squirming ruthlessly.

Even looks absolutely ridiculous with his hair falling into his face and his dopey, mischievous smile staring down at Isak, but Isak still wants to kiss him. Even could wear a clown suit and Isak would still want to kiss him. They struggle for another moment but the fight is out of Isak. He’s transfixed.

The air in the room feels heavier. Isak stops squirming and Even’s hold has loosened, enough that Isak could push him off if he wanted to but he doesn’t want to. If he wants anything it’s to pull Even closer. Even glances down at Isak’s lips, or at least Isak thinks he does and Isak suddenly feels like he can’t breathe.

Even leans down, imperceptibly, or maybe it’s Isak leaning up. He can’t tell, doesn’t really care to because all he can focus on is Even’s lips and how close they are to his own, how nice they’ll feel against his.                            

“Boys,” Marianne questions, entering the living room. Even jumps off Isak and scoots to the other end of the couch in one instant motion. Isak, now breathing heavily, sits up slowly and turns to look at Marianne.

She looks between the two of them and if Isak didn’t know any better, he’d think she looks suspicious.

“Dinner’s ready,” she informs them and waits expectantly.

Even jumps off the couch and leaves the room without a second glance his way.

*

“Dude, slow down. We haven’t even left yet,” Mahdi says, eyeing Isak with concern. Isak doesn’t give a fuck because his goal tonight is to get properly wasted. It’s the night before the rehearsal dinner, just two nights before the fucking wedding, and Isak wants to forget. He wants to forget _everything_.

“You slow down,” Isak slurs and Magnus laughs. Mahdi grabs the half-full beer Isak’s holding and puts it down on the table behind him with intention.

Isak rolls his eyes. “You’re not my father,” Isak spits, like he actually listens to his real father.

Mahdi ignores him and leaves the room. He returns with his jacket and Isak’s in his arms.

“Let’s go, my son. Party time.”

The party is at Eva’s this time. It’s her first party since her house was completely trashed from last year's. Jonas promised to show up early to calm her anxiety so it’s just Isak, Magnus, and Mahdi at the pregame.

Isak grabs the beer from the table and chugs it as they’re all walking out the door. Mahdi doesn’t say anything about it but shoots Isak a _very_ pointed look, which Isak very skillfully ignores. 

When the three arrive, the party is already in full swing, but Isak notes that it’s not as crowded as last year. Jonas is standing at the front door looking like a bouncer. The boys crack up when they see him.

“Dude, what’re you doing?” Magnus asks and Jonas groans.

“Eva just wants me to keep an eye on the door. She doesn’t want a bunch of strangers crashing.”

“You are… so whipped.” Jonas grimaces but doesn’t deny it.

“Well when you’re done being a little bitch,” Isak starts and Jonas raises his eyebrows at him, “we’ll be in the kitchen getting drunk.” Isak starts to enter the house but Jonas grabs him by the waist and easily turns him around.

“I don’t know if you need any more, Iss.”

Isak scoffs. “Not you too, Jesus, can’t a guy drink anymore?”

“Oh, you’ve definitely drank,” Mahdi supplies and shares a look with Jonas. Isak ignores them and pulls out of Jonas’s grasp to enter the house.

The living room is packed with people dancing and drinking and swapping spit but the kitchen is calmer, only a few people around the countertops. Isak makes a beeline for the fridge and grabs two beers out of the fridge. At least he has enough mind to not switch to hard liquor.

“Isak,” someone greets and Isak closes the fridge door to reveal Julian on the other side, smiling at him. They haven’t hung out since that one time in his room, that time Even walked in and made Isak feel inexplicably terrible for no reason, but Julian still talks to him at school sometimes. They're still friendly.

Isak smiles. “What’s up,” he says noncommittally and cracks open his first beer. After a second he hands Julian the second one, figures he’ll grab another one after.

Julian beams at him. “Thanks,” he says and takes a sip. There’s a minute of silence, maybe awkward, Isak doesn’t know, doesn’t really give a fuck. He’s drunk.

Julian starts talking to him about something and Isak tries to follow, gets lost in his head a few times but overall thinks he does a pretty good job of keeping up. In the middle of Julian’s rambles Isak opens the fridge again and grabs his second beer.

“Cheers!” Isak interrupts and Julian smiles at him bemusedly.

“Cheers,” Julian repeats, knocking his first beer against Isak’s new one.

The next thing Isak remembers he’s in the hallway and his tongue is in someone’s mouth. Julian’s, he presumes.

His dick isn’t hard at all, he’s drunk as fuck and not turned on, but still he reaches for the boy’s belt buckle.

In the next moment his tongue is no longer in someone’s mouth as the boy pulls back and confirmed, it’s Julian.

“Whoa, Isak.”

Isak crosses his arms.  

“What?”

Julian laughs a little. “We shouldn’t. You’re really drunk.”

“And?” Isak says.

Julian smiles again. Why is he so fucking smiley? “Let’s find your friends. Who are you here with?”

Isak smirks. “I’m here with you,” he tries to say and kisses Julian again. Julian kisses him back for a minute but then stops again.

“I like you Isak.” Isak wants to throw up. Why is this boy so in his fucking feelings when Isak just wants to give him a handjob?

“Thanks?” Isak says because what the fuck are you supposed to say to that?

Julian’s smile falters and Isak thinks if he wasn’t so drunk he’d probably feel bad, but then again, if he wasn’t so drunk he probably wouldn’t be making out with Julian.

“I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret, or like, not remember in the morning.”

“I’m not _that_ drunk,” Isak sneers and tries to kiss Julian again but he dodges it. Wow, okay. Message received.

Isak pushes himself off the wall and starts to stagger off. Julian catches him by the wrist. “Let me help you find your friends,” he says, looks so sincere, but Isak pulls his wrist out of Julian’s grip and mumbles for him to fuck off.

He stumbles back downstairs and into the kitchen again. Magnus and Vilde are talking in the corner and Isak skillfully ignores them and walks to the fridge again.

Magnus dramatically jumps in front of the fridge before Isak can open it.

“Absolutely not, you fucking animal,” Magnus says. He’s serious, Isak can tell, but he keeps it lighthearted because it’s Magnus.

Isak steps back and leans against the counter. “Why not?”

“We’re on 'find Isak and stop him from drinking any more' committee tonight,” he gestures to Vilde who is walking over to them.

When Vilde catches sight of Isak’s eyes her smile turns into a frown. “Isak, let’s put you in Eva’s bed for a bit, okay? You look a bit deadeyed.”

Isak wants to tell her to fuck off but the idea of Eva’s comfy ass bed is a little too tempting. When he doesn’t refuse, Magnus smiles and kisses Vilde’s cheek. Sickening.

The two help Isak up the stairs and open the door to Eva’s room. Jonas is in there with Eva but they appear to only be talking.

When Jonas sees him he lets out a sigh of relief.

“Isak, thank _god_. We couldn’t find you anywhere. I thought you’d done something stupid.”

Isak ignores him in favor of plopping down face first on Eva’s bed.

“What’s going on with him?” He hears Eva whisper but Jonas only tells her “later” and sits next to Isak on the bed.

“How are you feeling?”

“Imdufkinrunkandithinkilveeven.”

“What?” Jonas asks, because Isak is talking into Eva’s pillow.

Isak turns his head so that his cheek is now laying on the pillow to look at Jonas.

“I’m fucking drunk.”

“Well we know that.”

“And I love Even.”

Jonas pats his back sympathetically. “Get some sleep. I’ll wake you up tomorrow so you can get your shit together before the rehearsal.”  

Isak groans. “Don’t fucking remind me,” he spits. Jonas shoots Eva a look and Eva walks over to the other side of the bed to stand next to Isak.

“It’s going to be okay, Isak,” she says and Isak wonders if she knew before this, before he drunkenly told the entire room, wonders if Jonas has told her everything or if Eva just knows because she’s Eva and she’s smart as fuck, much smarter than she gives herself credit for. She didn’t sound very shocked.

Jesus, are Vilde and Magnus still in here?

“I’m going to go get you some water,” Jonas says and gets off the bed.

Isak is already passed out.

*

The wedding is beautiful. Isak fucking hates his dad and he can still admit that his wedding is beautiful. 

Marianne looks lovely, opting for a lavender gown because she said white would be tacky at her age. Lea looks adorable as well in her frilly flower girl dress. The bridesmaids are dressed in short blue dresses, except for Marianne’s sister, who refused to wear anything that fell above her knees. Even’s older sister Katherine is a bridesmaid too. Isak’s only met her once because she’s almost six years older than Even and lives in Stockholm full time, but they talked at the rehearsal dinner last night and she was cool. Isak could easily see both Marianne and Even in Katherine. 

The church is decorated in Marianne’s desired color scheme, purple and light blue, and she walks down the aisle to “Canon in D.” Isak knows this wedding back to front, knows every detail. He’s been surrounded by it for months. 

The church is full of people, most that Isak doesn’t recognize. He does see his grandparents, who flew out from Bergen for the wedding, and a few cousins he’s met sporadically throughout the years. He sees a few of his dad’s work colleagues that Isak’s had the misfortune of meeting. Mikael’s there too, filming the thing, and so is Jonas, who Marianne insisted he invite.

Isak is the best man and right behind him is Even, looking hot as fuck in a slim black tuxedo that Isak desperately wants to peel off of him, layer by layer. And Jesus, how fucked up is that? That Isak is thinking about this on the day of their parent’s wedding. But if Isak’s realized anything, it’s that he can’t control his thoughts when it comes to Even.

Marianne’s vows are short but charming and Isak tries very hard not to roll his eyes at his father’s words, which are admittedly sweet as well.

They spend what feels like hours taking pictures outside of the reception hall, in a large park. There are apparently a million different variations of pictures that need to be taken. The bride and groom. The bride’s family. The groom’s family. The new family. Only bridesmaids. Only groomsmen. It goes on forever and Isak is hungry and cranky and knows that everyone else is already inside, including Mikael and Jonas, taking advantage of the open bar. 

Finally, they’re released and when Isak enters the reception hall the reception is in full swing. A million strangers come up to Isak to tell him how happy they are for him, how happy they are for his dad. Some of them tell him how beautiful his new family is. Those hurt the most.

Later on, Isak and Jonas are eating their sixth piece of cake each and watching drunken adults make fools of themselves on the dance floor. Isak has a nice buzz going but knows he can’t get too wild. He’s the best man, after all.

“Congratulations on your new family, Isak!” An older woman Isak has never seen before tells him as she passes their table.

Isak smiles halfheartedly, “Thank you,” and then to Jonas, “My new family.”

Jonas claps his shoulder, looks at him in that special was only Jonas can. Like he’s reading Isak’s mind. “It’s gonna be okay, Issy.” He's heard that a lot lately.

*

Fredrik surprises the entire wedding party with rooms at the Radisson for the night. Isak thinks that’s a fucking absurd waste of money, typical of his father, but who is he to deny a night of sleep on a giant plush bed and gourmet breakfast in the morning?

After Jonas bids farewell to Isak and leaves with Mikeal, Isak surveys the reception hall. Marianne and Frederick have already made their exit in the typical farewell expected at weddings. They’ll spend the night at the Radisson and then leave for their honeymoon tomorrow morning.

Isak decides he can leave as well. He doesn’t see anyone else he knows still around, save for a couple of Fredrik’s colleagues that are still hitting the bar pretty hard.

Unfortunately, Isak and Even must’ve had the same idea because they end up running into each other on the street heading towards the Radisson. It’s only a short walk but of course Even had stopped to take a picture of some “aesthetic looking building” or whatever and then spotted Isak. They’d seen each other throughout the reception but didn’t talk much. Even busy charming the pants off of everyone in sight and hanging out with his sister and Mikael. Isak busy indulging at the buffet and drinking with Jonas.

The two walk in silence to the hotel and then receive the room cards at the front desk. Isak laughs as he watches Even try to flirt with the woman behind the counter in Danish. It’s awful but Isak has to give him credit, even in broken Danish Even is charming.

“So they really did it,” Even says conversationally, once the elevator doors have closed.

Isak turns to look at Even. His tie is undone, hanging around his neck loosely and his hair is much messier than it was during the ceremony. He’s facing the elevator doors but Isak knows he’s looking at Isak from the corner of his eyes.

Isak huffs out a laugh. He’s buzzed from the reception and full of food and feels oddly content considering the circumstances. Considering Even is officially his stepbrother. 

“They really did it,” Isak repeats softly.

“What now?”

Isak doesn’t know what he means. “Now? Now we never have to hear about color schemes again.”

Even turns to look at Isak and he’s laughing, a bright smile plastered on his face but Isak can’t hear anything over the pulse inside his head. Even looks so hot in his suit and Isak feels like he’s actually suffocating in this elevator. He should’ve taken the next one or the one before or he should’ve stayed at Jonas’s or done literally anything but walk into this small space with Even, a boy he finds himself magnetically attracted to, like he can’t be near him without inching closer, without so desperately wanting to touch.

They’re standing close and Even is facing him and Isak’s thinking that if Even gets any closer, Isak is going to have to kiss him. That if Even even sways to the right Isak will crack. He feels drunk on this day and this experience and this feeling and he just really, _really_ wants to kiss Even. Just once, maybe. Before it’s too real. Before the wedding day is over and Isak’s left only with the certificate of marriage, with the proof of the new family.

And then Even does come closer, not with an indecipherable sway but with an entire intentional step and he’s facing Isak now, not the elevator doors, and Isak braces himself for the decision he’s about to make. He considers the backlash but he doesn’t care. He’s considered it for weeks, months even. He’s going to kiss Even.

Isak takes a very tiny step forward, gearing up for it. Even is looking at him strangely. He takes a deep breath, looks down at Even’s plump lips, lips he’s dreamed of and touched himself to and thought about for months. He looks back into Even’s eyes.

And then, _Even_ kisses _him_.

Isak lets out a shocked gasp, can’t help himself because that wasn’t what was supposed to happen, and Even immediately takes a step back from him, looking devastated.

“Shit, shit, shit, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what—“

Isak lunges at him and it would probably be funny if it didn’t feel so dire.

He presses their lips together in a hard kiss and he feels Even exhale. He wraps his arm around Isak’s back and Isak arches into him as the kiss deepens. Isak vaguely registers that they’re in an elevator that could stop at any floor but fuck it if he cares enough to stop kissing this boy. Nothing can stop him from kissing this boy.

Even licks Isak’s bottom lip and Isak eagerly opens his mouth for it. He licks into Isak’s mouth and it’s dirty and hot and Isak is already half hard. 

Even walks Isak backwards until he’s pushed up against one of the elevator walls and Isak moans brokenly.

He feels the beginning of a smile on Even’s lips but it disappears when Isak meets Even’s tongue with his own and Even whimpers. The sound goes straight to Isak’s already hardening dick.

Even untucks the back of Isak’s shirt and rubs his hands against his bare back. He trails his warm hands down toward Isak’s sides and grabs them roughly. Isak stops kissing Even to breath in sharply. Their eyes meet.

Even opens his mouth to say something when the elevator dings, alerting them that they’ve reached Even’s floor. Isak’s room is two floors up.

Even glances at the opening doors and then looks back at Isak. His hands are still resting under Isak’s shirt.

“Come to my room?” Even asks, sounding nervous, as if Isak didn’t want this more than anything, and Isak nods eagerly.

*

The walk down the hall is silent, Even leading the way. Isak watches his back, feels light on his feet, almost dizzy.

When they enter the hotel room, Even holds the door open for Isak and then lets it close with a loud thud behind them. Isak observes his surroundings, a large bed and a dresser with a television on it, and then turns around. Even is still standing at the entrance, looking nervous. Isak is nervous too but fuck it, he wants this. He’s wanted this for months.

In two long strides he’s back in Even’s space and their mouths connect with precision.

Even turns them around so that Isak is pressed against the door and kisses him softly.

“I’ve wanted this for so long,” Even whispers, leaving a trail of wet kisses down Isak’s throat. Isak inhales sharply, looking up at the ceiling to give Even all the access to his neck that he needs. 

“Really?” He asks, his voice sounding way too vulnerable for his liking. He grabs Even’s hair harder and pushes him into his neck to distract him from his vulnerability.

Even groans. “God, yes.”

If Isak wasn’t so turned on he would probably cry at the admission. Even must realize Isak is affected by his words because he stops marking Isak’s neck to look into his eyes.

He leans his forehead onto Isak’s but keeps their mouths apart so he can continue talking. They’re close, breathing each other’s air.

“When our parents introduced us in that restaurant,” Even leans over to kiss Isak’s cheek, “I didn’t know you were Fredrik’s son yet,” his other cheek, “I saw you from across the room and I thought you were the most beautiful boy I’d ever seen.” Isak lets out a quiet broken chuckle that makes Even smile.

“When I found out who you were,” his nose, “I wanted to fucking die.”

Isak leaps forward to kiss him again, licking into Even’s mouth and reveling in the sounds Even makes in return. The kissing is dirty, even dirtier than it was in the elevator. Isak sucks on Even’s tongue and trails is hands down his long back until they reach his ass. He grabs it with both hands and pulls Even harshly into his own cock.

Even moans loudly into the kiss and then pulls back to rub his face into Isak’s neck again. He starts grinding into Isak with his own hardon and Isak thumps his head against the wall behind him loudly. Even starts sucking on Isak’s earlobe and he almost comes right there.

“I fucking love your ears,” Even says into Isak’s left ear in a throaty whisper and Isak immediately breaks down in laughter. When Even pulls back he’s grinning widely as well.

“You’re so weird,” Isak says and Even’s grin changes into a gentle smile, like Isak’s the most precious thing he’s ever seen. _Please stop looking at me like that_ , Isak thinks, _I really do not want to ruin this with tears._

Even rubs his thumb down Isak’s cheek, follows the movement with his eyes, and then pulls Isak into another kiss. This one is slower, gentler. Isak lets Even take control of it and when Even pulls at Isak’s cheek to deepen the kiss, to stick his tongue into Isak’s mouth, Isak whines. 

“The bed,” he demands and Even picks Isak up by the back of his thighs and walks them over to it.

“Holy shit,” Isak says, impressed that Even has actually managed to lift him. He drops Isak onto the bed and Isak bounces a little with the force.

“What? I’m strong,” Even answers, fake offended, and Isak snickers.

“Yeah, what do you press? 200? 250?” Isak laughs at his own joke and Even kisses him again to shut him up. He pushes Isak up the bed and Isak crawls backwards obediently until he’s lounging against the headboard with Even on top of him.

Even slowly unbuttons Isak’s white button down, Isak watching him in anticipation, and then pulls Isak’s undershirt off as well. The way he looks at Isak, with something like reverence, makes Isak feels very naked and so he immediately pulls at Even’s shirt as well. Even obeys and strips before returning his focus back to Isak. He kisses down Isak’s chest, starting at his collarbone, taking a nipple into his mouth for a moment, and ending below Isak’s belly button. Isak holds his head gently with one hand, not leading Even down but touching his hair as he goes. When Even reaches the top of Isak’s pants he looks up at Isak, as if he needs his permission.

Isak whines his name and that’s all Even needs to hear. With skillful fingers, Even unbuttons Isak’s trousers and slowly unzips the fly. Isak lifts his butt off the bed so that Even can pulls his pants down and off. He’s wearing black boxer briefs and his dick is straining against them. Isak knows that they’re already damp with precome.

Even inhales sharply and immediately puts his mouth on Isak’s dick over the cloth.

Isak, who was watching Even’s descent, throws his head back with a strangled moan. This is already too much. Isak’s literally jerked off to the image of Even’s hands before and now Even is real, and here, and is about to put his mouth on Isak’s dick?

Even continues to mouth at his dick through the barrier of Isak’s boxers and Isak whines impatiently. He finds Isak’s head, still under his boxers, and begins to suck on it.

“Please,” Isak whispers and Even immediately pulls his boxers down and grabs Isak by the base of his dick. He flicks the head with his tongue, tasting the precome that’s gathered at the tip and then brings more of Isak into his mouth and hollows his cheeks.

Isak forces himself to open his eyes and pull his head up to watch Even. It’s the hottest thing he’s ever seen. No late night fantasy could come close to the image of Even with his messy hair and his swollen lips enthusiastically sucking Isak’s cock. Even must sense Isak’s stare because he looks up at him and their eyes meet. Isak’s breath hitches. Even continues to stare into his eyes as he blows him and Isak can’t look away. After another minute, Isak decides if he doesn’t pull Even off him immediately he’ll come way too early.

“Even, Even, come here,” he says and the sound of his voice shocks him. He sounds fucked out and desperate.

Even stops and crawls up back to Isak’s face.

“Are you okay?” He asks and if Isak wasn’t so turned on he would laugh.

“Yes, fuck yes, I just don’t want to come yet,” he says and Even smiles smugly.

It’s then that Isak realizes that Even is still wearing his slacks. With all the strength that he can muster, Isak rolls Even under him so that he can undo his button and take his pants off.

He stops kissing Even to look down at what his fingers are doing and then pushes Even’s pants and underwear down in one go.

Even’s dick flips up and Isak wants it inside of him desperately.

If this is how Even felt when he undressed Isak, he understands the reverent look on his face. Isak wants to worship him. 

He reaches down to grab Even and starts stroking him slowly. He watches his hand in awe as it goes, using Even’s precome to make his movements smoother.

The sound of Even’s gasp turns Isak’s attention back up to his face. Even is looking at him in wonder and Isak _has_ to kiss him.

After another long moment, Isak takes his hand off of Even’s cock and Even whimpers with the lack of contact.

“Do you want to fuck me?” Isak asks and doesn’t care how he sounds. He feels brave right now.

Even’s eyes are almost black with lust.

“Isak, god,” he says and lifts his head up to kiss him again. Isak laughs into the kiss.

“Is that a yes?” He jokes.

Even wraps his arms around Isak’s back and flips them over again.

“I _need_ to fuck you. I need to feel you.” Isak lets out a strangled moan and reaches for Even to pull him into another kiss.

When Even finally slides into him, Isak does _not_ do anything embarrassing like cry a little. He doesn’t.

* 

“Let’s talk,” Even says quietly, hesitantly, after.

They’re lying next to each other, inches apart but not touching. Isak’s staring at the ceiling and he knows Even is too. His mind is quiet, surprisingly so, after what they’ve just done. Maybe he should be freaking out, maybe he should be panicking, but he feels calm and chill for the first time in a long while. 

Isak turns to face Even. His profile is so striking, almost unfair. Isak wants to touch him so he does, dragging a finger down the side of Even’s cheek. Even smiles and turns to look at Isak as well.

“Let’s talk,” Isak parrots, takes a deep breath to prepare for whatever that means. When Even only looks at him, rubs a hand down Isak’s cheek, Isak starts, “How long… I mean, when did—“

“How long have I felt this way about you?” Even assumes. Isak swallows audibly and nods. Just hearing him say it feels too surreal.

“It wasn’t just sex talk,” Even smiles, “I meant it when I said I’ve wanted you since the first time I saw you. But, my feelings for you, past thinking you were fucking sexy—“

Isak interrupts with a groan, hides his face in his hands at the words. Even laughs and pulls Isak’s hands off his face to hold them gently in his own.

“My feelings were something different. At first you were just this hot boy I had to live with but… that changed into something else, pretty quickly. I mean, you must have realized?”

Isak shrugs, thinks back to little interactions they had that Isak always wrote off as his own desires clogging his practicality.

“I tried to… not… feel that way. I mean,” Even laughs softly, “It was for the best that I didn’t, right? But I couldn’t stop it.”

“You were with Sonja. I thought I was… seeing what I wanted to see.”

“Sonja and I broke up because I knew it wasn’t fair to her. It wasn’t fair to be with her when I was always… thinking about you. She knew too.”

Isak can’t help the wide smile that appears on his face, feels guilty that he can’t hide his happiness over Even’s breakup. Even broke up with his beautiful girlfriend for _him_. For _Isak._

Even smiles too and Isak traces the smile with his finger.

“If it isn’t obvious by now, I really, really like you,” Isak says.

Even smiles brightly and the room goes silent, the two only staring at each other.

In a moment, it feels heavy.

“I guess the question is what now?”

“What now,” Isak repeats quietly.

*

There’s a lot about the situation that Isak and Even have no idea how to handle.

For starters, their parents have just gotten married. They are, as much as it pains Isak to think it, stepbrothers now.

The nice thing about it is that Isak isn’t alone with these thoughts now, torturing himself. Even’s there to listen, to share, to comfort him when he has a panic attack about Lea or his dad or Marianne finding out.

The freaky doctor lady was right. Isak was an island, but now Even had officially become his rescue boat.

It’s strange really, because everything and nothing changes. The way they talk to each other, the way they act, it’s the same, only with more touching. 

And sex. Like, a lot of sex. Their parents are on their honeymoon and Lea is staying with Even’s grandparents so the two boys have the house to their selves and it’s fucking awesome. Isak’s never felt so happy, so fucking euphoric.

Jonas comments that he’s “glowing” one day at lunch and Isak wants to _die_ because Jonas definitely knows why.

Even cooks him breakfast on the weekends and they make out against the kitchen counter. They watch movies, mostly Even’s picks but sometimes Isak’s, which are always more fun because Even never wants to watch his choice and they always end up grinding against each other on the couch instead.

They spend a lot of their time in Even’s bed, or Isak’s when he claims that his bed is comfier, cuddling and talking and discussing what’s next.

Some conversations are harder than others. Talking about Lea is unbearable to Isak. He doesn’t know what she’ll think, how she’ll feel. But it’s nice to tell Even this. Tell him how much it scares him. It’s all still so scary but it’s less scary when Even’s holding his hand.

Other conversations are funny, really funny, because Even tells him shit about the last few months that he _preens_ himself over.

(“I used to steal your hoodies on purpose because they smelled like you.”

“Oh my god! You’re such a dork.”

“I was desperate!”)

and

(“One night… it was late and I… I was… I thought I heard…”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Even laughs. “So fucking hot.”)

and

(“You were pissed at me, remember? Will you tell me what I did?”

“That was all me. When I saw you with that _dickhead_ in your bed I was so fucking jealous and I didn’t know how to handle it. I’m sorry.”

Isak smiles. “Apology accepted.”)

Everything becomes harder once their parents return. Parents, collectively, because that’s what they are to the both of them now.

They go from two weeks of constant touching to sitting on opposite sides of the couch, from showering together to knocking hesitantly on the bathroom door, from sharing beds every day to sneaking quietly, oh so quietly, into each other’s rooms late at night and always returning by morning to be extra careful.

It’s exhausting to keep up the façade, almost as exhausting as Isak’s old façade, the one where he didn’t have feelings for his stepbrother, but this time it’s easier because he’s not alone.

About a month into this… _relationship_ , Isak thinks, _they’re in a relationship_ , Marianne catches them.

Marianne _cries_ and it’s even more horrifying than Isak had imagined it would be. And he’d imagined it to be pretty fucking horrifying, so, yeah.

“I knew it,” Marianne says, already tearing up, as the two jump apart. They’d gotten sloppy, really, kissing in the pantry. So fucking stupid.

Marianne leaves the house and Isak panics, starts to cry. Even looks freaked out too but not as nearly as freaked out as Isak is feeling.

“I can handle this,” Even says, watching Isak pace around his room from his spot on Isak’s bed.

Isak stops his pacing to scowl at Even.

“What do you mean you can handle this? Even, we’re done. Dead. Your mom just left the house _crying_! Fuck!”

Even walks over to him, puts his hands on Isak’s shoulders.

“Breathe,” he demands. Isak rolls his eyes, tries to shrug Even’s hands off him. Even keeps him rooted to the spot.

“Breathe,” he says again.

Isak takes a shaky breath in and out, then another.

“I know my mom. Her first reaction is always as bad as it gets. I can handle this.”

*

Even is talking to Marianne in the dining room when she returns. He tells Isak to stay in his room and Isak can’t hear anything, which he knows is probably a good thing. No angry screams, at least.

He’s so scared that Marianne will end this. Will convince one of them, Even, Isak knows, that they can’t do this any longer. Isak can’t be convinced, he knows he can’t, but it only takes one to end a relationship and if Even is done, they’re done.

“Isak, can you come down here please,” Marianne calls from the foot of the stairs and Isak takes a deep breath, gets up off of his bed and heads towards his inevitable heartbreak.

When he reaches the dining room, Even and Marianne are both sitting at the table across from each other.

Marianne isn’t crying but she looks livid and Even’s face is a blank slate. Isak takes a tentative seat next to Even but is careful not to touch him. He turns to Marianne.

He doesn’t know what comes over him, but before Marianne can start talking he says it.

“I love Even.”

Even turns to him with a blinding smile but Isak completely avoids his gaze to continue looking at Marianne.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen and I’m really sorry but—“

“Isak, please” Marianne interrupts, holding up her hand, “The fact is, you two are siblings. I have just married your father, _barely a month ago_. This… relationship is entirely inappropriate. It cannot go on.” 

“But I—“

“You two are simply oversexed teenagers. This is not love. Do not tell me that this is love.”

Even opens his mouth to speak but Marianne stops him.

“This is lust. And lust is easy to end. You will end this.” Marianne’s voice lacks emotion. It reminds Isak of his mom’s nurses, telling him what’s happening without showing him their feelings. Clinical.

“You’re not—“ Even begins but Marianne holds her hand up sharply, shutting him down.

“ _Jesus_ , have you two even considered your sister? You would put Lea through this?”

Isak doesn’t think that’s fair. He’s considered Lea’s feelings almost to a fault.

“I think,” Even starts, “that Lea could handle this. If we explained it to her, if we told her we were happy, why couldn’t she?”

“Goddammit Even, this isn’t something she should _have_ to handle. What will people think? This is _embarrassing_.”

Isak feels hot shame fill his belly.

“This is done. Finished. Over. _Now_.”

“Mom—“

“Now.”

Marianne leaves the house again. She takes Isak’s last hopes with her.

*

“I think we should tell Lea.”

“ _What?_ ”

“If we tell her, we can prove that this doesn’t matter. That it doesn’t _have_ to matter.”

“Fuck, Even, I can’t. It’s too fast. I mean, what if she doesn’t get it? What if she freaks out?”

“I don’t think you’re giving her enough credit, Isak.”

“Don’t fucking tell me what I am or am not doing.”

“If we tell her then—“

“I can’t, Even.”

The room falls silent.

“I need time to think,” Isak says and leaves the room.

*

Isak cries into his pillow. It’s been a long time since he’s felt so scared before, since he’s felt so drained.

He knows he can’t tell Lea. But what does that leave him with?

*

The next morning he can’t look Even in the eye because he knows it’s over. He knows this is over.

Even knows too, once they cross paths in the upstairs hallway. He can read Isak like a book now, apparently. Grabs Isak by the shoulders and nudges him into his room.

“Don’t do this,” he says, doesn’t even let Isak _do_ it.

Isak ignores it. Ignores this feeling, ignores Even’s face, looks behind him when he says it.

“I can’t do this with you… any longer.”

“If this is about Lea—“ Even starts but Isak cuts him off.

“This isn’t about Lea,” Isak lies, “It’s about us.”

Even waits.

“You’re not good for me,” Isak says because he knows it’ll hurt Even enough to leave. It implies so much that Isak regrets, confirms all of Even’s fears. _You’re not good for me_.

Even leaves his room.

*

He doesn’t see Even for the next week, which is a fucking feat considering they live about one hundred feet from each other. Isak avoids the house like a plague and he figures Even must too. He spends his time with Jonas, cranky and sad, but Jonas gets it because Jonas is Jonas. He understands everything Isak wants to tell him without Isak having to say a word.

The boys catch on too, maybe not about what’s happened but that Isak is sad, self-loathing even, and they don’t dog him when he doesn’t want to go to any parties that weekend.  

After a week of avoiding the house, Marianne calls him to tell him that Lea misses him. She doesn’t mention Even, doesn’t mention what she knows. Isak knows Marianne is still furious at him, at them, but she’s a mother first, Isak knows, and she can tell when someone’s hurting, when one of her kids is hurting. Isak’s her kid.

“Come home, honey,” she finishes and Isak cries but only after he’s hung up. 

He’s cried more in the past weeks than he has in years. Even little things have overwhelmed him lately, like everything he’s buried has come to the surface in one hard shove, released through his fucking tears. Marianne doesn’t hate him. She’s still like a mom to him. Maybe she’s pissed about him and Even, maybe it’ll take her a long time to forgive them, but she still loves Isak. One of Isak’s biggest fears was losing Marianne and now he knows he hasn’t. That alone is enough for Isak to return to the house that afternoon.

*

Despite coming home, Isak still spends most of the time in his room. He and Even don’t speak, don’t really acknowledge each other at all. Even never looks mad, not even upset. He looks distant, blank even, which Isak thinks hurts more.

“Why are you sad, Issy?”

Lea entering his room unannounced is the last thing he needs. Sometimes he feels like the world is out to get him. Like every time he’s having a bad day the world sees and says _oh no! Not bad enough!_

Isak wipes his tears on the sleeve of his hoodie as nonchalantly as possible but Lea’s already seen and is walking over to his bed where he’s sitting. Lea’s young but she knows him. Has seen him upset.

“Is it because you and Even are fighting?” Lea guesses. Isak doesn’t think he can give her too much credit for it. A monkey would realize that the two aren’t on good terms. You could cut the tension in the room with a knife during family dinners.

Isak shrugs. He feels about six years old; funny considering an actual six year old is trying to console him.

“It’s okay,” she says, pats him on the knee. It’s a move Isak knows she gets from Even himself, always patting her on the knee when she’s upset.

“Thanks, Lea.”

“Marianne says people who love each other always work it out.” Isak tries to smile at her. “A pre-marriage spit, remember?” 

Isak actually laughs at this. He feels like he hasn’t laughed in weeks.

“A pre-marriage _spat_ ,” he corrects, “But me and Even aren’t getting married, Lee.”

Lea giggles, “No, you’re too young for that.”

“Right. _Way_ too young for Even and I to marry. And we’ll definitely never marry _each other_ ,” Isak speaks like Lea has said something extremely silly, tickling her a little in the stomach to make her giggle. Lea pushes his hand away with a screech.

“Why not?”

“Why not what?”

“Why won’t you and Even ever get married?”

Isak laughs.

“Even and I don’t—“

“You love each other, right?”

Isak knows she doesn’t mean it like _that_ , but still Isak has to correct her.

“Of course we love each other. But we would never get married.”

“But people who love each other get married, Isak.” Jesus, apparently Lea really needs a lesson on the difference between platonic love and romantic love. What grade do they teach that in?

“Right, but Even and I love each other like—“

  
“Like Marianne and daddy love each other. Like mommy and daddy used to.”

Isak swallows but it gets stuck in his throat. Did Even tell her? He doesn’t know how he feels about that but he knows that he _should_ feel furious.

“Lea…” Isak starts, not sure where to actually begin. 

Lea looks at him in confusion.

“Yes…” she mocks, sounding much brighter than Isak feels.

“Did Even tell you something about the two of us? That we… love each other like Marianne and dad do?”

Lea shakes her head, looks confused.

“No.”

“Then…” Isak doesn’t want to say _how did you know_ , doesn’t want to admit she’s correct, but she’s Isak’s sister, she’s fucking smart, and she catches on to things much quicker than other children do.

“I saw you two kissing _on the lips_ ,” she whispers but she's grinning. Isak feels mortified. They were so worried about someone seeing them, about Lea finding out, and Lea had already seen them, what, weeks ago?

“It doesn’t bother you?” Isak asks because he doesn’t know what else to say, doesn’t even know where to begin.

Lea scrunches her eyebrows up in confusion. “Bother me why?”

“Because Even and I are… brothers.”

“Gross, Isak. You’re not actually brothers, you know?” Isak laughs. She sounds like Jonas.

“Of course, I know. It’s just—“

“If Marianne and daddy can love each other, why can’t you and Even?”

Isak winces. “I don’t think me and Even are going to be together like Marianne and dad, Lea.”

“Why?”

“I… I guess I ruined it.”

“Then fix it,” she says, satisfied that she’s done her job, and leaves Isak’s room. Isak’s thoughts are a mess. They have been for weeks, for months even. But something about Lea’s words, about Lea’s simple understanding of something that Isak has made so complicated clears his head.

Fix it.

* 

But fix it how?

“Talk to him, you fuck. Apologize.”

“What I said… what I implied. It’s unforgivable, Jonas.”

Jonas rolls his eyes like Isak is being dramatic but he _isn’t_. He really isn’t. When Isak told Even that he wasn’t good for him, they both knew what he was implying. What he was referencing. Why the dagger was so sharp.

“I’ve said… I’ve said terrible things to Eva, Isak. Things that I can never take back. Things that I’m not proud of and that sometimes fucking haunt me. But she forgave me. You know why?”

Isak waits.

“Because she’s human too. Because she understands. And Even will too.”

Isak isn’t so sure.

It isn’t that easy, Isak knows.

The next night at dinner, Even seems lighter and it simultaneously makes Isak both happy and distraught. He talks at the table more, even says a few things to Isak, and Isak knows it should thrill him, that it should make him so ecstatic that Even is even looking at him again, nonetheless  _speaking_ to him again. It doesn't because it also feels like a lie. 

This isn't them. This isn't right. Isak can't sit at the dinner table every night and  _pretend_. He can't live his life  _pretending_. Even will be in his life forever, regardless. Isak can't spend the next twenty years pretending. It has to be real. However it goes, however it happens, it has to be real. 

He knocks on Even's door after dinner and doesn't wait before entering. It's a habit but it's also the urgency that Isak feels right now. It has to be real.

Even stands up from his desk, looks at Isak from across the room. Isak steps in, closes the door. 

"Hi," he says and Even raises his eyebrows. He's not pretending anymore and his face isn't blank either. He looks sad. Isak feels it too. 

“I didn’t mean it,” Isak says once the silence becomes unbearable.

Even shakes his head, shrugs, looks away from him. Isak can’t take it.

“No, Even,” he says, feeling stronger, feeling a mighty force behind him push him further. He walks the last three steps it takes to reach Even and then grabs him by the chin, gently forcing Even to look him in the eyes.

“I didn’t mean anything I said. I was scared. You have to know that.”

“You hurt me, Isak.”

Isak’s stomach drops. He knows.

“I know.”

“You fucked up,” Even states.

“I know,” Isak repeats, suddenly feeling less strong, less mighty.

“And—“

Isak interrupts whatever Even is going to say next. “I know I fucked up. I know I hurt you. I wanted to hurt you because I needed to end this because I was scared. I was really scared. Not just of Lea finding out, or our parents, but scared of what this meant. Because I’ve never felt like this.”

Even waits. 

“And I know that sounds like a fucking copout. Like I hurt you because I love you or some shit but fuck, Even, it’s true. I was… scared and I’m sorry. I fucked up.”

The silence is unbearable as Even stares at him. Isak doesn't know if he should leave, if he should say more, or if he should just fucking move into Jonas's place. Even could always read Isak but Isak's never been good at reading Even. Isak looks down at his feet.

Finally, Even speaks.

“I’ll fuck up too… at some point. And we’ll still be okay.” Isak’s head snaps up. Even is looking at him still, but now he’s smiling. It’s a small smile but it’s a smile.  

“Yeah?”

Even laughs a little, quiet laugh and Isak laughs too, just as hesitant but just as real from the sweet relief that rushes over him.

Even grabs both Isak's hands with his own and squeezes. Touching Even again feels like breathing for the first time after holding your breath. A head rush, almost.

Even looks like he has more to say so Isak waits patiently. He’d wait forever because he’s a fucking cheeseball and Even just looking at him again with anything more than a blank stare makes him feel powerful. 

“I’m moving in with Mikael,” he says and lets Isak digest that. It stings but he lets Even finish, knows he has more to say.

“It’s closer to school and I’ve been wanting to move out for awhile anyway, you know, because I’m an adult or whatever,” Isak tries to smile, still feels sad, and Even continues, “And I talked to my mom. I talked to her a lot, actually. She still doesn’t like the idea of us. There are issues there, tons, but she likes it a lot more when she isn’t living under the same roof as both of us so…” 

“So…”

“So we can do this, Isak. I mean, fuck, if you want to. I know I do.”

“Of course I want to do this, Even, jesus.”

Even laughs, “Yeah?”

Isak nods. “Yes.” Even pecks him on the lips and Isak lets out a shaky breath. It’s been months and even Even’s nearness still takes his breath away.

“You figured this out with your mom… before what I said?”

Even smiles, looks away, shrugs, “After.”

“But…”

“We were always going to work this out,” Even states simply, now looking Isak in the eyes, and Isak’s heart soars. Even had faith in them, even when Isak didn’t. 

“I’m going to miss living with you,” Isak admits. He’ll miss seeing Even in the morning. Even when they weren’t speaking, when Isak had thought he had ruined everything, just being able to see Even felt like a privilege.

“Baby,” Even smiles, brushes his thumb against Isak’s bottom lip and Isak pulls it into his mouth, licks the pad of his thumb, “I’ll miss it too. But you’ll be over all the time. It’ll drive Mikael insane.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course. I want to be near you. Living with you was like, the best thing to ever happen to me.”

Isak kind of feels like crying. He pulls Even into a tight hug and Even chuckles. Isak rests his head in Even’s warm neck and inhales.

“Me too.”

They have a lot of shit to work out, a lot of shit to talk through, Isak knows. Not only with their families, with Fredrik who presumably still doesn’t know and with the rest of their family, extended family, who won’t understand, who might even be angry, but also with each other as well. Insecurities, anxieties, shit Isak’s said. But they’ll work it out together. Isak believes in that. He believes in them.

Even never moves back home but two years later, they live together again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you thought :)
> 
> I hope my smut wasn't too off-putting hahah I have never in my life written a sex scene and needless to say I am fucking nervous about this one.
> 
> Until next time ♥

**Author's Note:**

> This will be two chapters... possibly three. It was originally going to be a long ass oneshot but I decided to split it up and so the next chapter should be out in the next couple of days. I'm soo nervous about this one hahah so if you enjoyed it lmk :)


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